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Attachment Theory and the Gospel explored- How relational brokenness redefines our existence

 Brokenness in relationships subverts God's intent for meeting our most basic relational needsIn the first two posts in this series, I discussed how I see humankind's needs for significance and security as central to the Creation story of Genesis, chapters 1 and 2. (1) In this third post, I hope to further explain the implications of these needs and how they connect to attachment theory and the relational-developmental work I engage in with my colleagues within Intermountain's residential services. (2)

 

Each of us has some level of brokenness in our lives, and the most painful (I would argue) brokenness comes when that brokenness is in the context of significant relationships. The children and families I work with, as well as my own experience in parenting children who suffered some neglect of basic relational needs in early childhood, informs the following discussion of a hot-button word for many: sin.

 

The reason "sin," or acknowledging the sinfulness of humankind, is such a delicate issue in working with emotionally disturbed children and their families is because the weight of the word exceeds the truth it is meant to convey. For the shame-based person, the word takes on greater import than we would intend. As a result, I tend to use the word "brokenness" to describe the spiritual condition that the Bible refers to as the result of sin. The word most commonly translated "sin" in the New Testament is hamartia, from the Greek verb hamartano meaning "to miss the mark." Hebrew terms in the Old Testament translated as "sin" include words such as Ra', Chatta'ah, Rasha', 'avon, Pesha', Ta'ah, and 'asham. Most, if not all, of these terms carry with them the sense of transgression: going somewhere in relationship that offends the other, and often that "other" is God. Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, the imagery used is of brokenness within the context of relationship, and that brokenness leading to misdeeds that offend God because they are not keeping with the character of God and the image of God placed within humankind.

As a minister of the gospel, I would argue that the primary message to be shared is that the condition is what needs to be remedied rather than focusing on the expressions that the condition produces.

This contextual definition of what is meant by the word "sin" is very helpful. Sin, in its most basic sense, just refers to the break in relationship between Creator and creation. That break brings with it a whole host of maladies--individual misbehaviors that we identify as "sins." Sins, plural, refer to the these individual transgressions. Sin, singular, refers to this condition of brokenness in need of repair. As a minister of the gospel, I would argue that the primary message to be shared is that the condition is what needs to be remedied rather than focusing on the expressions that the condition produces. Often what my children are expressing by acting out poorly is an expression of their brokenness, not a willful decision to hurt me or harm our relationship. The sense of brokenness inside produces behaviors that express that brokenness--sometimes in obvious ways, but in many cases in confusing patterns that take some skill and resolve to figure out. (3)

 

The two basic needs for significance and security are affected in profound ways by this condition of brokenness. God's love, expressed through healthy relationships with others and with the divine, was meant to provide for our need to be significant. Instead of this perfect provision, sin and brokenness produce a dysfunction in relationships where love is conditional, withheld, or perverted in some way. In the extreme, those children who have been sexually abused have very skewed views about love and the expression of that love within relationship. The love we are all meant to experience as the provision for our need to be significant, to know who and whose we are, gets twisted and broken because of the brokenness in our lives and the lives of those around us.

 

Likewise, our need for security, meant to be provided by having a divine purpose and boundaries for the proper expression of freedom and creativity, has been broken. The dysfunction that results in inadequately meeting this need through arbitrary boundaries and a lack of consistency and dependability in care takers leads to a profound lack of trust in the world as a safe place and in others as safe people. Control becomes a major motivation, as those damaged by the inadequate provision of this need for security seek to define their world by the people, places, and things they can manipulate in order to feel some sense of security.

Of course, this brokenness is not the end of the story... there is hope! But, if we do not face the brokenness within ourselves and the resulting motivations that has produced, both good and bad, it is likely we will miss the true "cure" for this brokenness when it is finally presented. It is much easier and feels much safer to remain with what we have grow accustomed to in our brokenness, the dysfunction within our relationships, and the separation we feel from others and from God. We'll continue this conversation in future posts in the series.

 

(1) If you are interested in where this discussion started, visit: http://fullhousewithaces.com/2...ored-where-we-begin/

(2) for more about the wonderful place I work and how my ministry fits into the care for the severely emotionally disturbed child, visit both www.intermountain.org and www.intermountainministry.org

(3) At some point, I hope to further explain this point within the relational context of care giver and child. For now, may it suffice to say that one of the more common "confusions" in the presenting behavior and the underlying emotion is that of "mad covering up sad." That is, the anger I see expressed in my child is covering up a very profound sadness and shame. To focus on the anger is to miss the point.

 

[note: If you have enjoyed these posts, would you be so kind as to visit my site www.fullhousewithaces.com? From there you can follow my ongoing work and read my latest articles. Thanks!]

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Robert, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It is my hope that I can present the convictions of the Christian message in a way that is accessible to all that are interested in trauma-informed ministry to those working through the effects of ACEs. I would be interested to here more about your work and the community initiatives that your group proposes! Blessings to you, Chris.

Chaplain Chris, Although I'm not a "practicing Christian", I've read may different "sacred texts'...and I was extremely impressed by your recent article "Attachment Theory and the Gospel explored-How relational brokenness redefines our existence". I'm looking forward to your related articles, because I think You present a rationale for "trauma/ACE-informed Christian ministry". Our local Interfaith Social Justice and Community Service initiatives will be enhanced by your perspectives. Thank You.

 

Donna, thank you for your thoughtful and meaningful encouragement. I write these articles, in many instances, out of a need to process these truths myself and make sense of the hurt that I see in the children I work with every day. That my writing connected with you, your spirit, and your experience is a blessing to me. Thank you. --Chaplain Chris.

More significant nor truer words have been spoken than these: "Often what my children are expressing by acting out poorly is an expression of their brokenness, not a willful decision to hurt me or harm our relationship. The sense of brokenness inside produces behaviors that express that brokenness--sometimes in obvious ways, but in many cases in confusing patterns that take some skill and resolve to figure out. (3)"

we broken people do not mean to hurt ourselves either...but we do because we don't even know how to recognize our own brokenness or how to love something (ourselves) that never was fully loved.  Thank Pastor!

 

 

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