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Positive Psychology is Killing Me

This is a fictional story - By Steve Hein

I was a soldier in the US army. I was sent to Afghanistan, then Iraq. I was told we were fighting terrorism. I was told I was defending my country. But I felt bad about what I was doing. I felt guilty for killing people, for destroying their homes, businesses, neighborhoods. I talked to my officer and he sent me to the army psychologist. He told me my feelings were a result of negative thinking and he tried to teach me what he called positive psychology. But it didn't work. I just felt worse. I felt dishonest with myself. I couldn't lie to myself and tell myself that what I was doing was ok. So I got more and more depressed. Finally I was sent home. I still feel very depressed. I feel failful I feel disloyal. My father has laid many guilt trips on me. He was a career military man and he always pushed me to become a soldier. But I never felt right about it. I have still been seeing a military psychologist and psychiatrist. But what they are doing isn't helping. I am getting more and more depressed. They keep telling me that my feelings are a result of negative thinking. I have been hearing this for nearly a year. I can't take it anymore. Last night I was seriously thinking of suicide for the first time. I have been thinking about it for a very long time, but last night was the worst. I actually started planning how I might do it, what I would write in my letter to my family.

 

I know I would tell them to please not send anyone else to fight in any more wars. That there must be a better way. That we are all humans. We all have feelings. I would tell them to listen to their children and not urge them to become soldiers. I would tell them to explain to my nieces and nephews and younger cousins who I love that I feel terrible for doing this and I hope they will never have to be in the pain and confusion that I have been in. And that the reason I am doing this is because it seems no one understands and please, please, please when they are parents, to please listen to their own children. And teach them how to solve conflicts peacefully, in a non-violent way, and teach them that we don't need weapons in the world. That we can find better ways to live together. And teach them not to believe everything they are told by the government. Teach them to trust their own instincts and feelings and if something doesn't feel right, don't do it. Even if someone in authority tells you that you should and you must because it is your duty. Teach them that they have a higher duty. A duty to all of mankind, to all of humanity, not just to someone dressed up in a uniform from the country you were raised in. Teach them that it is possible that the people in authority could be wrong. And that in other countries they teach different things, different beliefs, and maybe we are the ones who are wrong, not them. Or at least maybe we should listen to our enemies instead of killing them.

 

That is what I would write in a letter to my family. I hope and pray that I never have to write that letter. I hope and pray someone will listen to me now, that someone will understand what I am going thru, so I will never have to write that letter. I am crying now. My father always said to be strong and only sissies cry. But I don't believe that. I never believed it. I always thought it was natural to cry. I love my father but I don't believe he was the right father for me. I feel terribly guilty saying that, but I must speak the truth. To keep lying to myself is killing me. All this positive psychology is killing me. Please, someone, understand.

 

 

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Comments (13)

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I can only say ... I can feel the pain of your story. It is so "our" story even if each scene is different... How one can come to be consumed by thoughts of suicide ... You've described this well... And the guilt and shame and confusion and the blaming the flaws and deficits of a man ....who doesn't want to kill or be a part of war....

I went to your site.... I will be checking it out more.... Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

And thank you for stating that

"Invalidating a sensitive child is a crime against humanity."

I'm posting a link to my favorite song and link to lyrics ..Alanis Morisette "Utopia"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Hbfx2HRGJnw
Last edited by Former Member
Originally Posted by Kathy Brous:

Thank you for the vulnerability to write such a thing, even if it is fiction.  Our entire society denies feelings, denies the need to cry, to mourn, to grieve -- let alone to have simple human compassion and not want to kill.

Positive psychology is a polite term for "Just stuff it.  Don't dare have feelings, don't dare be who you actually are, and if you can't suppress them, then take your feelings elsewhere because we don't want to know the real you who exists."

Thank u kathy - i felt understood when i read this.

Some time ago, one of our 420 state legislators was homeless ("residentially challenged" was what one of my clients called it at the time). The Legislator and a substantial number of other homeless people, wrote similar letters which were all published by Notre Dame College press, under the title: "Under the Bridge: Stories....". Most, if not all, had some form of emotional expression.....

Thank you for your comments. I'm sorry I haven't replied... Maybe later I will write more.

 

For now, please read about Daniel Somers if you haven't already read his suicide note. I learned of him after I wrote my story. And if you want, you can read my writing on the concept of "emotionally intelligent soldiers." I won't put a link but it should be pretty easy to find on google with that term and my name or with eqi. I have also written a lot about invalidation. That link is www.eqi.org/invalid.htm

 

I will just say now that, as some realized, I wasn't referring to only "positive psychology", the term popularized by Seligman.  I mean also other approaches to try to get us not to feel our pain, rather than trying to help us change society.

 

And I will say this story comes mostly from my years of listening to teenagers in pain and from my own life.

And in case you don't know, I have helped edit the book Letters from the Unloved, which Jane Stevens wrote about on Aces over a year ago. I will be happy to send anyone a free pdf copy. It is a book of letters from teens in pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for the vulnerability to write such a thing, even if it is fiction.  Our entire society denies feelings, denies the need to cry, to mourn, to grieve -- let alone to have simple human compassion and not want to kill.

Positive psychology is a polite term for "Just stuff it.  Don't dare have feelings, don't dare be who you actually are, and if you can't suppress them, then take your feelings elsewhere because we don't want to know the real you who exists." 

That creates ACEs and it's killing nearly everyone who is told to practice it.  Thank you again.

Kathy

How "fictional" is this "story?" Am I sensing it is based on real survivor stories? I have certainly experienced the "positive psychology" with failed therapy with military mental health 'professionals' who seem to be intent on protecting the 'status quo,' not helping the troop deal with prior ACEs and current moral dilemmas. And when suicide does happen..."we did all we could" is the statement made. It's embarrassing.

 

I, too, am interested in why this "fictional story" was published and how it will be used to further our evaluation and treatment programs for soldiers AND their Family members.

The key word here seems to be parental "invalidation". An example of invalidation is a parent who denies your feelings or tells you that you should not feel how you do.

 

I really like DBT therapy concepts because they address this issue for clients so well. Father calls son a 'sissy' for having sadness.

 

Part of PTSD (PTSR) healing involves (a) creating safety (including emotional safety) and (b) breaking isolation and (c) getting away from invalidating settings/people/comments/institutuions. This is all right out of the core PTSD treatment book called Trauma And Recovery by Dr. Judith Herman. She is the doctor who coined the term "Chronic PTSD". Her book was one of the main texts used in my women's counselling program.

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