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Resilience & Trauma: Words & More

I started therapy when I was in college. My therapist gave me an insurance form and told me I'd get coverage if I put in "generalized anxiety disorder."

 

I did not. I put the names of the three people who had abused me growing up and handed the form back.

 

"You can't put that," she said.

 

"But that's why I'm here," I said.

 

"Generalized anxiety disorder," she explained would get me coverage.

 

"But there's nothing general about my anxiety," I said and went with PTSD because at least it was showed the cause of my anxiety - trauma.

 

The problem for me as a feisty young twenty something is the same problem for me today as a feisty forty something.

 

The label doesn't address the problem.

 

The abuse or the abuser or the fact that abuse and neglect can be criminal acts as well as hard and difficult.

 

I was like, "Why do I have to get a label for coming to therapy. I should get a badge and have it paid for. Aren't I improving society by breaking the cycle of violence? Why do I have to get a label and we sit around and talk about my issues."

 

My perps were not in therapy, treatment and didn't worry about how a label would impact their chances of getting a job or being able to adopt a child. They didn't worry that a diagnosis and the symptoms of the diagnosis would impact their ability to parent a child or hold a job. And the therapeutic model made money off me talking about my pain but it's not like it involved law enforcement or made any change in my family or for my family. It encouraged me to make distance from my family and to come to therapy more.

 

I'm not saying therapy is bad but I'm saying that a system which does not address cause and instead treats symptoms doesn't do enough.

 

The label, which goes to the survivor, doesn't do anything to treat the abusers or to prevent them from being abusive again. It might make more resilient, boundaried or integrated survivors - but.... it doesn't prevent more abuse. 

 

I wish someone had said to me, "YOU aren't the problem. You aren't a problem. You're a victim of crime."

That sort of empowered clarity might have strengthened me rather than me spending an hour a week focusing on how I developed issues in response to trauma. It was important work, but it's incomplete work, in my mind. 

 

And then, to top it off, experts often speak for trauma survivors as though we can't speak for ourselves. It always puzzles and surprises me. 

 

 

If we only treat those hit by drunk drivers and don't stop drunk drivers we aren't going to make a safer highway. Yet, in our families, we spend a lot of time talking about how to grow a stronger and more resilient survivor and not how to prevent someone from needing to recover in the first place.

 

Of course we all need hope, support and resources.

 

But isn't prevention the best resilience creator?

 

Prevention would make a lot of us super resilient because with effective prevention we would be carrying a lot less baggage in our hearts, cells, bodies and psyches.

 

I don't know how not to sound grouchy or angry when I bring up these topics. It's not easy to find the right words. A friend and I were going to start a group for the high-functioning fucked up or passing for normal but with a lot of freakin effort club. What do we call ourselves? How do we think of ourselves? How can we find and support one another?

 

Few of us want to identify as damaged. Few even want to identify as having been traumatized. Cultural shame and secrecy are pervasive.

 

I write for Elephant Journal. When I write something with trauma in the title, it's not all that popular. When I write something with a self-denigrating title such as: How Can Anyone Love Me with All My Issues? it gets read by tens of thousands. The content is often similar. It's pretty much all trauma all the time when I write. But I've learned that people don't want to come at trauma directly. Not most people anyhow.

 

I'm working with a healthcare provider to do a training on expressive writing as an alternative treatment for trauma survivors. I'm pitching it as a portable, affordable skill which does not require a therapist. I say one need not be an athlete to benefit from exercise and one need not be a published writer to write. Writing can  relieve physical symptoms of post-traumatic stress for many. Sharing writing in a safe peer-circle is even more beneficial. EVERYONE has a story or twenty-nine.

 

However, no one wants to have trauma in the title of a class taught at a yoga studio, health clinic or even at a wellness day. But if I go with Writing for Wellness or Writing for Health or Feel Better Writing - that's better. If I say, I quite specifically am not a therapist and am sharing as a writer who has had adverse childhood experiences, that helps people relax.

 

Go figure. I don't claim to get it. It's not like I don't talk and write about how writing helps relieve traumatic stress carried in the body. It's not like I don't cover the ACE study, test and allow for scoring. But people don't want to come in the room for a talk, class or workshop if the word trauma or therapy or therapeutic is used.

 

I don't know if it's shame, being pain averse or not wanting to think our own issues are actually trauma. Many of us feel others had it worse.

 

One thing the ACE stats have shown me is that many have had it better. I mean I literally had no idea that there are people on this planet with only 2 or 3 ACE's and some even have 0. Some find the ACE stats high. I thought they were remarkably low. We all know what we know and if we have high scores of 7 or 8 or 9 chances are our siblings, cousins, parents, lovers and maybe even friends have them as well.

 

For me, learning about the ACE test helped me understand why all people don't know how hard and difficult trauma recovery is. I just assumed we were all dealing and coping with similar stuff and I must be really lame or sensitive because I couldn't just "get over it" already even when I found, created and "worked" on safety and attachment and good-enough relationships.

 

I hadn't realized how many people were not carrying adversity from childhood into adult life. I know everyone has a story and many who had wonderful childhoods deal with trauma and loss in adult life. I just hadn't realized that some had NO trauma until adult hood. I didn't know that was true and I'm not sure I'd have believed it before seeing data. In my world, most people have seen a lot of what is called an ACE but we would have called it life not trauma or neglect.

 

So, this isn't a blog post with an argument or a position but just to add my thoughts and feelings about talks about resilience. For many of us who did not have the mitigating resilience factors, the talk of resilience can be painful. And of course, some of us with high ACE scores have been resilient with and without some of the protective factors. There's not the dose response curve either showing the resilience stats lower impact of high ACE scores so it's a little less "meaty" in terms or research as far as I've read.

 

But it's also that the talk of resilience still puts a lot of pressure on the survivor to cope and do better and to imply that a different or better approach to recovery is all that's needed. I know it's not meant to minimize but it can feel that way. I admit that because I wasn't believed when I first shared about my trauma I might be carrying my own sensitivity into this particular issue but I can sense others feel it too.

 

It's not that anyone is against resiliency. I mean I'm all about finding hope, sharing skills and tools and ways to ease post-traumatic stress. The things I've learned about that help most are:

  • breathing
  • yoga
  • joy
  • good health
  • EMDR
  • hypnosis
  • guided imagery
  • self-love which includes recovering from active self-hate first
  • community
  • education about how others live
  • changing body postures
  • all things Rick Hanson, mindfulness, reframing and building a more positive and warm default setting

 

Perhaps, as Robert said, there's a need for high ACE scorers to talk/share/dialogue right here. Maybe we can create a position paper about what we want, need and do already have, know and provide for ourselves and others that help us live with post-traumatic stress, developmental neglect and the physical toll of unrelenting chronic stress. That could be a shared document.

 

This isn't super coherent and like I am in real life - a little all over the place.

 

Thanks for letting me add my two cents into these ongoing topics.

Cissy

www.healwritenow.com

 

Warmly,

Cissy

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When I wrote that I'm 'merely' a survivor I meant there are those of you who have read and written SO much, in such a heartfelt way that I couldn't contribute much, due to lack of experience etc.  For example there's quite a bit of debate it seems re resilience scores.  I believe it'd be good to have resilience scores for then AND now, so that you get the full picture and can reflect on the fact that although one didn't have a lot of resilient factors one can do something about it now, as an adult...

When I look at some of the blogs and posts I'm overwhelmed by the amount of information and thoughtful comments that you guys have done/achieved. 

That's why I've tacked myself onto the end here and say I would love to read something you draft and make suggestions if it were helpful.

I know some of you are now going private, does this mean that eventually you may have a position paper to present publicly for comment - the survivors avahealth if you like, of the people with the lived experience?  

It'd be great to have you all put your heads together to come up with something.  There is such a richness and nuanced understanding here, that is so very rare. Though I know it's a lot of work and compromise, etc may be needed, it seems to me it'd be so worth it in  furthering the cause of treating trauma with greater insight for those who have not had this lived experience and want/need to understand it a little(!) more, I believe.

Thanks, Cissy!

I wrote June 3 in \ Re: Resilience "Then" vs "Now" / above, that I'd put my questions in a private dialog.

That refers to a dialog I open June 3 with 5 professional therapists who are members here. I asked them their professional opinion on what I wrote above, including the link to your call for Support. 

In last 2 days, I've gotten two replies and both are overwhelmingly positive to what we've all written.  I'm doing my best to send all the public links to everyone.

[Of course anything non-public which we do in private groups or dialogs is totally sacrosanct. "Safe people" don't gossip, defined as talking about anyone who is not present (or in the e-group, when online).]

Hugs and I do mean hugs, (mammalian "fur"!  Nothing like it... otherwise we'd all still be reptiles...)

Kathy

Last edited by Kathy Brous

Collective words of wisdom from High ACE scoring trauma survivors. Sounds awesome, wonderful, great.  Understanding, compassion, cultural sensitivity, the ability to be who we are in freedom (no different than LGBT rights, civil rights, woman's rights, child rights - US please ratify the rights of the child UN convention -  etc). 

 

Last edited by Former Member

Kathy,

You are such a talented writer and I think you are spot on with Resilience Now vs. Resilience Then.


Honestly, I'd love to create a list from high ACE scorers of what was actually resilient to us. Of course support would be on there. Some of us had it and some didn't and some found it or created it and I'd love to do honor to that.


Plus, in addition to having high ACE scores I know Kathy, Tina, Robert and myself are also doing our own advocacy, speaking up and out and so, with stretched resources it's hard to get to do these very meaningful and potentially supportive for ourselves and other things.


That's the juggling act I'm dealing with and on a private or not so private thread would love to hear how others deal with it.


These are important, necessary and relevant conversations and I wonder if WE wouldn't have a book from the perspective of high ace scoring adults maybe that could be self-published as an ACE Connections Collab or something.


There is NO lived experience group of trauma survivors joined together talking about social policy, mental health, physical health from ONLY the lived experience. That might need to change as a group or sub group and also, to have the option of privacy for fuller participation from less "out" survivors....???

Cissy

Cissy and all,

This thread is so good.  I agree that taking it private might help me talk about things that I won't talk about in such a public arena. I'm not sure how to make this private, but I would like to continue the discussion. 

 

A badge of honor for surviving...YES!  I done being graded.  Thank you Cissy for bringing out the best of me today.

 

 

Re: Resilience "Then" vs "Now"

 

Dear All

Do let me know if you form a group.  I'm slammed trying to finish my book after 4 surgeries but I'll do what I can.

 

Please note, Jane's blog on the Seattle reception for Paper Tigers uses "resilience" in a really terrific way-- it's about how to teach resilience-BUILDING skills going FORWARD: at https://www.pacesconnection.com/...-school-say-the-data

 

I'm starting to think of our discussion as about Resilience "Then" vs "Now".

 

Maybe the childhood resilience factors score -- Resilience "Then" -- that we've been discussing, doesn't work for many of us for reasons we've been posting here on ACEsConnex.  It can make us feel like we're being graded on how well we reacted as helpless kids to others traumatizing us. That not only feels awful but is a bit unscientific, since we had no way to react any better than we did.

 

Maybe what we really need is a new "Resilience Now" score -- it's about, as Jane just blogged, Resilience Building, and doing that going forward -- rather that beating ourselves up over the past.

 

I think my ideas for an "Earned Secure Attachment" score could fold into that nicely.  A new "Resilience Now" future-score would ask many questions but really should include questions which arise naturally from Jane's blog.   Such as: what are we doing to heal, are we seeking "safe people" like Jim Sporleder and safe places to attach to humans like Lincoln High? Are we sharing our feelings and sitting with them --rather than acting out?  etc.

 

 I put my list of questions in a private dialogue, a quote from which I'd like to share here:

 

"Christine Cissy White recently asked: why are we rating survivors at all; survivors don't need to be graded like misbehaving kids -- they need compassion.  "It’s not resilience," she wrote, "but SUPPORT.  The more support a victim of crime gets the better and more quickly they tend to rebound, recover and feel safe and present in self and skin.... lack of cultural and societal support hurts and can be changed;"  see http://healwritenow.com/shes-such-a-victim/

      Support?  You said it!  The only way I ever got better was tons and tons and more tons of support -- from support groups, therapists, Grief Recovery Handbook partners,  Al Anon sponsors -- we need support wherever we can get it.

       Which translated is the same thing I said before: we need to learn from compassionate humans:

 

      A. That compassionate humans exist at all!  and B. That it's SAFE for us to ATTACH to another compassionate human aka "Safe People" (see book of that title).  

       That is the only route to "earned secure attachment."   Can't buy it on Amazon or read about it on the internet. No amount of reading books or internet posts will convince my traumatized brain stem and limbic lobes -- this is where trauma lives, folks!!  -- of either A or B above. My thinking cortex can read all it wants but my trauma lives on...
       Only physically sitting eye to eye, face to face with an actual compassionate human being can possibly, bio-physiologically, convince my traumatized brain stem and limbic lobe of A  and B. That's where healing lives.

       How much support did I and do I get - that's something to start working on an "Earned Secure Attachment" score.  We might start with questions such as:

   1. Have I looked into the difference between feeling "my" feelings, versus blaming and ranting about others -- in order to change the subject away from my own feelings?
   2. Have I tried to write down my OWN feelings -- sad, terrified, angry-- per se?
   3. Have I found a friend, family member, teacher, any person who will sit with me and let me feel seen and heard while I talk about my own feelings until I can feel them (vs blaming others)?
   4. Have I found a support group which really makes me feel seen and heard doing this?
   5. Have I done my best to find a truly compassionate therapist, and if I can't afford therapy, have I applied to local charity or government agencies for financial assistance?
   6. Have I tried the available tools for accessing my feelings in order to heal them?

   [Here are examples of tools:  htttp://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/resources/tools/  ]
 

Kathy

Last edited by Kathy Brous

Mem & Tina,
You both write well and seem to have lots of experience and expertise relevant to me.

I'm digesting all else. I wonder if we take the subject to a more private format if people wouldn't contribute more? That has been my experience at my own Facebook page. Some people don't want to publicly talk about trauma even though surviving isn't supposed to be the cause of our shame. It certainly not seen as a badge of honor by most but I like a more proud, empowered and mutually supportive environment where we share what we are learning, researching and doing privately as people with high ACE scores.

What works and doesn't.

I'd like to see some research as well about if, how, how much poor health outcomes are mitigated with effort.

I interviewed a functional medicine nurse practitioner on what high ACE scorers can do to reduce our high risks for lots of things. I've not had time to write it up yet but that's the sort of info. I'm more interested in reading and sharing. To me, that is what resilience in the now is about.

Cissy

Hi Mem the way you speak you are an expert ... For me personally I would like the ACE screen in all of medicine as the 5th vital sign, but not that resilience screen as it is really a screen for the presence or absence of protective factors (those Supports - one has when they were loved as a kid) but also for something this important the questions are ambiguous for some ---sometimes occurs out of the need due to a terrible early environment as a coping strategy) from ones childhood and has nothing to do with the present moment. Most are things that were out of our control. I would like to write something discussing how we feel --- that might be more helpful especially to a potentially first time mother of a 4 month old who could be having Post pardem depression etc is this a good tool to use to tell her whether she is resilient or not? Can we do better?  The folks in Portland have asked over 500 moms of 4 month old babies this "resilience" questions with the ace questions no-one as far as I know has responded negatively but I REALLY believe and many others do too these aren't about the present moment and we can, indeed must do better. These ?'s don't measure resilience in this situation and I question whether they measure resilience at all? They certainly could point out why one has severe attachment  trauma- this is uninformed for medical practice but being used by "experts." I didn't automatically have this response when I first read them but I thought they were a strange way to measure my "resilience" currently.  As I have listened to how these are meant to be used in the peds clinic and read the cover letter given to parents I see the questions as the wrong questions that are misguided and misinformed. I could read any questions at first and not be triggered as I could be called any swear word under the sun as a kid and not appear phased. Bottom line these just are really poor (in my humble opinion) for most purposes (not trying to be offensive) but as a screening tool in leu of an ACEs screen for kids who have been provided with resilience building practices, I think they can be good as they have shown useful at Lincoln High. Okay I'm done now ... Thanks

Last edited by Former Member

I must stop commenting as I haven't read your links yet, Tina!  Cissy's article and your passion makes me think (ruminate?!) whilst doing the mundane - housework.  

Current thoughts which have only slight relevance to these posts:

I would really like to see people with high ACE scores feel 'proud' of their achievement of surviving and to all intents and purposes, thriving. That they wear it as a badge of honour.  After all, no one else is going to give them/us a medal. It's a good way of empowering - a very missing factor in how we're 'made' to feel with 'normals' (including many therapists).  It's about taking back our power.  The "What happened to you?", rather than, "What's wrong with you?!" Type of sentiment.

Here's the biggie: I would also like to see the ACE and Resiliency questionnaire used in all general medical practices, hospitals, school enrolments etc etc so that professionals know more about what they will actually be dealing with... or not. Maybe in the distant future.  As Cissy wrote something along the lines of: many people who were traumatised don't really want to acknowledge it and everyone else looks the other way, as it makes them very uncomfortable as it's not... pleasant But if people felt it was a badge of honour...

Yes Tina, life experience is everything, but many people who could or should listen won't, unless one has the right credentials after their name.  You're in the 'fortunate(!)' position of having both, which like it or not, is much more powerful when attempting to have some influence in the 'normal/mainstream world' out there.

Sorry if I'm ranting.  Just so glad to have found this website and people who can get it!

Mem as I'm sure you know lived experience is knowledge sometimes much better than experts and I have certainly found at times that "experts" w/o lived experience often don't seem like experts to me. To all out there ... I mean no harm. I'd like a discussion as this is something that has concerned me and others for some time. The resilience scale being promoted at 1. The Children's Clinic (a pediatric clinic in Portland Oregon) 2. In a write up got your ace score on ACEstooHigh - a great and awesome write up for sure
-- doesn't seem to measure resilience but seems more to be a reflection of aces or when not reflecting high aces seems negating to individuals with a high ace score. I keep having a nagging feeling that the resilience questionnaire being used in these manners isn't really promoting resilience in the way hoped or making many feel better - some using this scale also do have lived experience also .... I'm just trying to go through concerns here not hurt or insult others or myself.

Groups are for getting things done so a paper that  possibly examines the resilience questionnaire given and how it is provided to parents of 4 month olds at the same time as the ACE questionnaire may be helpful for the peds group. A group could discuss how those questions make us high ace scorers feel and do we think it would be beneficial or can we come up with something better? I hope that makes sense. To be more clear this link is to a cover sheet given to parents of 4 month olds at a general pediatrics clinic. I like the cover sheet and how it explains what it wants to do and why but in the section on what it says about resilience, when you read this words given to parents and then you read the resilience questions also in the link, what do you think? http://www.avahealth.org/file_...45-a35e-01250fa35937

I'm sorry I'm long. I'm trying to be clear because I'm not a good writer. Thank you everyone her discussing this. Tina
Last edited by Former Member

All I can say right now, is that there are many of you who have a lot of knowledge and experience in this field, both professionally and/or personally, whereas I'm 'merely' a survivor.  I do however, have some very strong views about complex PTSD, ACEs and resilience and finding ways of enabling mainstream understanding, together of course with more awareness of the issues for therapists (so lacking generally speaking in my experience). I've read quite a bit about these areas, but again, there are some who have pursued these areas of understanding for many years! I DO know when something rings true, or could be possibly be improved, so my skill would lay in this area.  

So Tina, there is much to read in the links you gave, but whether it be private or public paper, the first thing to do, I think, would be to establish a more exact understanding of what (and why etc ) we're trying to promote/establish with such a paper. I know it could be a really good process for all involved

Anyway, just my thoughts until I've read your links, Tina.

My thought is a paper or something on what works best for resilience as an adult - really to break the cycle of transmission of trauma through generations. This would be helpful to those adults traumatized as children and to their children, thus useful to both, a few of us can get together and form a private group or if that is simply not possible a huge discussion group though we couldn't invite new members to a discussion group.... I sense there are many on ACEs that are interested in this topic who maybe aren't confortable discussing in public who would be comfortable in private ... I just don't want a private group to leave out anyone who wants to contribute to this work but as far as starting groups, however, here is the information Jane compiled and can be used for your community or regional ACEs group should you wish to form one.

Here are the instructions and questions to ponder: https://www.pacesconnection.com/...how-to-start-a-group  

It wouldn't be a group just for discussion but a group with a goal of developing a resilience paper... kind of like the AVA white paper   http://www.avahealth.org/aces_...-best-practices.html --- which does have a section on resilience to check out- this was formed here on aces--- but thinking how can we add to or improve the section on resilience?   But there is also this section on screening in pediatric primary care with the Cairns Resilience ? being used. I think that is where our thoughts could be helpful. I don't believe there is much work here and I'm not sure if that questionnaire and how it is being used is totally consistent with the AVA white paper "increasing resilience" section http://www.avahealth.org/aces_...ic-primary-care.html.  This link is not working for me but both resilience and screening in pedi primary care are on the left side options on the link above.

I believe this would be awesome  ...yes we may discuss but that is how any work gets done and we bring in research and see if Dr Teicher (part of the white paper) is ready to publish his resilience work etc... and most of all use our intellects and lived experience.

This might not be what you were thinking and it might even be silly, I don't know, but I think this might be able to accomplish two things, improve resilience screening/ resilience building approach in the pediatric practice and also let us contemplate how the Cairns scale may not work well for many of us and brainstorm what might be better.

Tools used in " The Children's Clinic Pilot" http://www.avahealth.org/file_...45-a35e-01250fa35937

My thoughts as you ponder Cissy and Gang
Last edited by Former Member
And of course Jane - YOUR thoughts, feelings, insights and opinions are WELCOME!
Cissy
 
Tina, Mem & Michelle:

There's clearly interest and others have expressed it too in the other posts/conversations about resilience that Kathy, Tina and Robert have had. So, the question is where and how to have a group. I don't even think we have to have all of the answers but can generate ideas about what we'd like, want and would be helpful as well as what is less helpful or already available.

I do like the idea of a position paper for and by high ACE scorers to use as at least a template and for it to be a group of people and with many opinions and lots of varied input. Maybe our own 10 point yes or no questions about what does or doesn't help, what is/isn't helpful.

Churning. Thinking. Pondering....

Cissy

 

 

 

Tina, Mem & Michelle:

There's clearly interest and others have expressed it too in the other posts/conversations about resilience that Kathy, Tina and Robert have had. So, the question is where and how to have a group. I don't even think we have to have all of the answers but can generate ideas about what we'd like, want and would be helpful as well as what is less helpful or already available.

I do like the idea of a position paper for and by high ACE scorers to use as at least a template and for it to be a group of people and with many opinions and lots of varied input. Maybe our own 10 point yes or no questions about what does or doesn't help, what is/isn't helpful.

Churning. Thinking. Pondering....

Cissy

 

 

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