“There are no human enemies,” says Sylvia Boorstein, “only confused people needing help.”
The instinctive, immediate response to our own fear is assigning blame to its presumed source. Blame is probably an adaptive response to situations of immediate physical jeopardy in which there is no time for reflection. Even in situations where there is no immediate peril, directing anger at whomever (or whatever) frightens us is more acceptable to the ego than helplessness and despair. Terrible things happen in this world, and people do them: aren’t there culprits, villains who can be blamed?
A story: I took a mandatory course for therapists in California called “Recognizing Signs of Child Abuse.” The first presenter began with descriptions, accompanied by slides, of such frightful violence towards children that I could barely listen. I thought I could feel the people around me wincing, wishing, as I was, that the lecturer would move on to what could be done. Finally, she did.
“When it becomes clear,” she said, “that the agency will need to take custody of the child in order to protect it, I say to the parent, ‘I know that in your heart of hearts you want to be a good parent to your child. And I know it has been very hard for you to take care of her at this time in your life. We’re going to help you. You’ll need to leave her with us until you get strong enough to care for her yourself. Let’s go down the hall together and I’ll introduce you to the people who will make good arrangements for her. You carry the baby and we’ll go together.’ Mostly, the parent is relieved. I hold her hand, or put my arm around her as we walk.”
People exchanged glances that seemed to say, “This woman is a saint!” Then one person asked, “How can you stand seeing what these people have done? How can you not hate these parents?”
“It’s not their fault,” the presenter responded. “Almost all of them were abused themselves. Many of them have substance addictions. Their lives are not working. They see nothing but long, empty futures stretching out ahead of them, and then, on top of everything, a crying child. They can’t do it another way. There is no point in blaming.”
Can anyone ever do it another way? Is there ever anyone to blame?
Photo: David Gabriel Fischer
[To read the rest of this article by Sylvia Boorstein, click here.]
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