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Parenting with PACEs. PACEs science & stories. Trauma-informed change.

A Little of My Family Story

 

I wanted to start off 2018 with a more personal post in Practicing Resilience. I’m excited yet a little nervous, since this is one of my first times sharing this topic beyond my closest friends and mentors.

My parents were Vietnamese refugees, escaping from persecution during the Vietnam War. They left everything behind as they risked their lives to flee on boats at night from South Vietnam to Southeast Asian countries’ refugee camps to await sponsorship to the US. I will always be enraptured by my parents’ will to survive weeks drifting on boats without much food or clean water and months in refugee camps. My parents were sponsored by families in the Midwest and South US and tried adapting there before moving to San Francisco Bay Area a few months after. I will always be in awe of their determination to begin from nothing, build a solid foundation for themselves and their children, and settle successfully in the Bay Area.

My parents sometimes mention snippets of their lives before coming to the US, and they welcome me to ask them about it. My parents are open to sharing, which I am thankful for because I believe it’s important for them to talk about it, and for me to know my family’s history. I think my parents are practicing resilience by accepting the past trauma, moving forward, and being able to speak or be asked about it, however rarely. 

Although my parents’ trauma was a few decades ago, and they can talk about it, I feel the intergenerational effect of trauma trickling down to me. When we walk past loitering groups of people, I feel our steps quickening. When we drive through older neighborhoods, my parents check twice that the car doors are locked. My parents worry for my safety if I’m not at home. They prefer I stay home and not drive too often to avoid car accidents. I’m discouraged from walking around anywhere after dark by myself or with friends. Just to name a few. 

I understand my parents are concerned for my safety, and I am grateful for their care. But simultaneously, I think about what they might have gone through before. They once lost everything from control over their own lives to their freedom to do or say anything. I think that translates to now as they always make sure I am safe and never far from them. I believe their fear of losing control and safety again affects their parenting, how it comes across to me as overprotective.

This type of parenting has its pros and cons, and in the end, I understand my parents always have my best interests in mind, and I love them so much. There are things I don’t know how to mention to my parents, like how I believe their past trauma informs how they parent today.

But I do have plans to practice resilience with them:

  • Take daily vacations together
  • Write down what we are grateful for and what we need to improve
  • Be more mindful, more free and less critical, less worried
  • Write down what we each expect from this parenting style and how to compromise

I’ve found that when communicating with my parents about more significant topics, writing works better than speaking since it helps me organize my thoughts and opinions. 

I would love to read in the comments other ways I could practice resilience with my parents. 

Thank you so much for reading. It is great to feel such warmth from this community, which makes me more comfortable with sharing this story. Thank you.

Photo from here.


Morgan Vien

Co-Manager, Practicing Resilience for Self-Care & Healing


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