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Parenting with PACEs. PACEs science & stories. Trauma-informed change.

Why We Suck (at Self-Soothing & Self-Care): Dr. Dawn O'Malley

 

Without yoga and coffee, I'm kind of a jerk. These are my personal "puppy uppers and doggie downers" and prevent me from being cranky, quick to cry, and ready for conflict. 

Coffee and calming make life more manageable. Humans even seem tolerable. Without them I might veer into hating humans for being so needy which is not a great trait for a parent, partner or a professional. Or a self.

My partner says coffee and exercise are acts of kindness, service as promote public safety. In other words, they make him less of jerk to himself and others. 

I get it. 

Not coincidentally, we both have ACE scores over 6. Turns out, our need to manage our moods and bodies has a boatload to do with childhood neglect, abuse and chaos. ACEs. And that's not just me saying so. :

"Essentially trauma, neglect, adverse childhood experience has the potential to impact every single function that our brain is responsible for. And guess what, it's responsible for all of them, o.k.?" Dawn O'Malley

That's a quote from Dawn O'Malley, PSyD, who backed up her words with data, stories, research and videos when she presented at the 2nd Benchmarks' Partnering for Excellence (PFE) annual conference.

O'Malley, is a Licensed Psychologist and has over 20 years of experience working with traumatized children and their families and a Fellow of the Child Trauma Academy, a non-profit organization dedicated to researching and training on the effects of adverse experiences on the developing brain. She serves as a Mentor to individuals engaged in Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics training (or NMT).

My favorite thing about her though is that she can talk about the neuroplasticity, brain architecture and the neural and arousal systems in a way that didn't require a PhD. or a bottle of No-Doz. Here are some excerpts. 

Dawn O’Malley, Psy.D.

We're  going to talk about a little bit about some of the very primary neural systems that we have and how they are impacted to help you understand even better the folks that you work with. That was one of the most important things - the aha moment I had the first time I heard about Dr. Perry's work - these things I'd observed and tried to help people with now had an explanation.

I'm going to share a little bit of that with you. We're going to talk about the arousal system. It is one of the systems that is pretty well in tact when we are first born. This is the system that makes sure that newborns cry, fuss, nd carry on when they are uncomfortable so that they are much more likely to stay alive.

Their arousal system is very sensitive so whenever they are wet, or hungry they feel it acutely. They express that need in the only way that they know how, which is to scream. O.k., and what happens in that cycle if the child has an attentive, attuned caregiver is that somebody comes in and meets that need for them, takes care of them, makes them feel better. With that, their body relaxes, the hormones take over that make them feel better, the body relaxes, and they're comfortable again.

And then this cycle happens dozens and dozens of times. And what comes out of that for human development is that we develop the ability, ultimately, to soothe ourselves.

What happens when we have an attentive, attuned caregiver that comes when we're uncomfortable and makes us feel better? We develop some skills in this area, our brain doesn't feel like it needs to do a couple of things quite so much.

  1. It doesn't need to have the infant feel as distressed. So, the level of distress that the infant feels over time goes down. Because we got this, someone comes...  so I don't need to get you so hyped up and uncomfortable.
  2. ... It doesn't allow you (infant) to experience so much distress.
    1. The other thing it does is it allows you to experience that distress for longer periods of time before you really lose it.

Isn't that amazing? She talked about state regulation and addressed those of us in the audience listening to her.    

Most people are in top shape with this system right now. So, if you are bored right now, tired, hungry, over it... your internal workings are making it possible for you to sit there not crying, not here with your heads in your legs hyperventilating.

You have developed the ability to soothe yourself. That's an important system. 

It's an important system but not one we all got. Some of us got the opposite and so it's no wonder we have a hard time soothing ourselves and maybe helping our kids learn how to do the same.

There are reasons (i.e. ACEs) that we may need to tap our feet or stuff our faces with food or nibble on our hair and nails. And no, it's not because we have a weak suck-it-up muscle as I'd thought for a good chunk of my life.

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I can stop apologizing for sucking so much. I'm not a sucky person - just a person who sucks at self-soothing, which is different. It's less about my personality and more about my ability (or rather my inability) to self-regulate. Knowing this doesn't change the past but it clues me in to areas I might want to focus on to live and parent in ways that make me and those who love me happier and healthier.

As O'Malley said. 

So, let's imagine that you are in a situation as a newborn where you don't have an attentive, attuned caregiver.

So, in this scenario we have an infant who feels some sort of discomfort, cold, tired, hungry and there is not someone who comes to attend regularly or consistently, so maybe the level of stress is ignored, maybe someone comes in sometimes and handles it nicely and the baby gets to feel some relaxation but maybe sometimes someone comes in and is real rough and it's not a great experience or maybe worst case someone comes in and hurts the baby, and that's an additional discomfort.

So essentially this pattern happens thousands of times and this baby experiences that their needs are not met consistently and they don't get  to ever experience regularly and in a way that they can expect that relaxation that comes after someone comes and attends to your needs.

So, in this scenario we get, we have a different impact on the arousal system. In this scenario the baby continues to send real powerful symptoms of distress, again to keep this baby alive, so baby keeps screaming, keep upping the ante to make sure that happens (staying alive part). The baby doesn't come to know, oh, o.k. I can experience a bit more of this distress because someone is going to come soon, I can hang on.

So, the nurtured kid is actually going to be stronger, calmer and more independent.

I wish I knew and trusted that when I became a parent. What I noticed is that others seemed to moved through life free, easy and relaxed. They didn't seem as nervous, afraid or uncomfortable. I had no idea that had anything to do with childhood experiences.

I didn't even know about ACEs or that some have the ACEs advantage of being well-parented. I didn't know they got lots of attachment or soothing or things that not only make one healthier and happier as kids but as adults. 

I think those with no or low ACEs should send their parent's a big thank-you card each and every week for the rest of their lives. Because, ACEs, when present or absent, shape so much of who and how we are as children and adults. 

Babies with a secure attachment, who are attended and responded to feel les stress and can tolerate the stress they do feel for longer as children - and as adults. Why isn't this is a big news story or headline?

The lack of support and safety during uncomfortable, difficult or even dangerous times as kids shapes us and how we experience ourselves, others and the world.

O'Malley brought the point home and said:

Do you remember that first time you slept through the night and you go into the child's room and they've  been awake a few minutes? It's a whole new world. They are entertaining themselves. They can do that because they know when I'm ready, it's very likely some people will come. This child doesn't get to have this relaxation and when they have stress don't develop this tolerance.

So it's not only that parents get to sleep in a bit, which can be glorious, but that infants get to feel more calm, curious and comfort with themselves and their surroundings.

That well-soothed kid who can cope has superpower not shared by all.

It shows up early and often, at school, work and life.

Teachers know. O'Malley said:  

"What does this going to look in kindergarten?" she asked in a child that didn't get that brain-building responsiveness. "A really responsive (kid). Someone takes a pencil and (the kid) must grab the pencil back, can't tolerate frustration. If they don't get to go first, (the kid) is going to fall apart."

O'Malley also said.  

It's an important system, one of the first that gets formed, and again, it will have an impact if it doesn't form in the way it can, a tremendous impact on the rest of your functioning."

Think on that for a minute. ".... a tremendous impact on the rest of your functioning."

People talk more about screen time, sunscreen and sleep a good amount. That's great. They're important topics but something that has "a tremendous impact on the rest of your functioning" seems pretty important to me.  

O'Malley said, about ACEs, "It can impact your heart rate, your ability to sleep, your ability to walk in a straight line."

In other words, the struggle is real. Those are important things.

"Essentially trauma, neglect, adverse childhood experience has the potential to impact every single function that our brain is responsible for. And guess what, it's responsible for all of them, o.k.?"

Some of us have brains that didn't get develop in safe relationships on a regular basis.  We may need yoga, coffee, writing or whatever to self-regulate or help.

coffeeb

We may need time, and practice to be able to tolerate our post-traumatic symptoms after ACEs. Our choices  might not seem logical, rational or wise to others. We have survival-based systems and reactions that make sense if seen in context.

We didn't just fail to learn how to attune, attach and regulate because we were dumb or didn't make better choices.  We may have been neglected or abused by people who loved us so we may not be super natural or at ease when it comes to all things considered "attuned" parenting.

We may need to learn whole new ways of being and parenting - for ourselves and our children.

We may have to set aside those survival skills which did help us get here and which we're pretty attached to for good reasons. Risking love, safety and attachment is a leap of faith for many of us and for good reason.

We can learn to get better at self-care, self-regulation and self-soothing no matter what our age or childhood experiences. It sure helps a lot to know that we may suck at certain skills or tasks though rather than feel like we suck at being human. 

More about Dawn O'Malley and the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics. Dawn O'Malley, Psy.D. is a Licensed Psychologist and has over 20 years of experience working with traumatized children and their families. She has lead the implementation of trauma informed therapies for multiple agencies specializing in residential and community based treatment. She has also developed residential programming for children with developmental trauma, sexually aggressive youth and adolescent girls. Dr. O'Malley is a frequent collaborator with public agencies including children's  advocacy groups and social services

Dr. O'Malley is a Fellow of the Child Trauma Academy, a non-profit organization dedicated to researching and training on the effects of adverse experiences on the developing brain. Dr. Bruce Perry is the Founder and Senior Fellow of the Child Trauma Academy and is internationally recognized as an expert in the fields of neurodevelopment and the impact of trauma on children. As a Fellow of the Child Trauma Academy, Dr. O'Malley serves as a Mentor to individuals engaged in Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics training.

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