Skip to main content

Dear Friends,

 

Please tell me if you think parents kissing kids on the lips constitutes an Adverse Childhood Experience?

 

http://6abc.com/family/child-e...-on-the-lips/947936/

 

Understandably, a very mild ACE, however what is it like for uninitiated youngsters?

 

Lee-Anne Gray, PsyD
Author & Co-Learner; EMDR Certified Clinical Psychologist, License #19540
President & Chief Executive Officer, The Connect Group, a 501(c)3 corporation  
Co-Founder, The Connect Group School,


Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

Dear Dr. Gray,
You ask whether a parent kissing a child on the lips can be considered an ACE, under the category of sexual abuse? The same question can be applied to a child sitting on a parent's lap, receiving a back rub, receiving assistance with toileting, co-sleeping, etc.

Any of these situations can be used for sexual gratification by the parent/adult and thus be sexually abusive. That is the litmus test which needs to be applied. Is the parent/adult using the child for sexual gratification or in a sexualized manner? If not than it is not harmful to children.

In fact research tells us that the more physical contact and eye contact children receive, the more healthy brain development occurs in terms of attachment, emotional regulation, executive functioning, immune system, intelligence.

If a child happens to become sexually aroused during bathing, cuddling and other normal family activities, parents need to redirect the child in a non shaming, age appropriate way, because it is part of normal child development.
Andrea Schulz, LCSW
Last edited by andrea schulz

Thank you Andrea & Jane, for sharing your opinion. Are you both saying we should empathize with parents to see if a behavior is right for children? Seems to me that empathizing with the young person would tell us more about the experience than examining parental intention.

 

The lips are the most exposed erogenous zone. Moreover, a larger part of the somatosensory cortex is devoted to the lips than to the genitals. Though parental intention may be innocent, I wonder how stimulating kisses on the lips are to those who have not had the same life experiences as an adult. I wonder if parents kissing children on the lips dulls a child's sensory reception in that region. And I imagine that wholesome and loving intentions are immaterial when the brain registers touch. Attunement modulates touch in a way that is wholesome and loving, and attunement involves registering the needs, states, and development of the Other.

 

Furthermore, I wonder if it sends the message that kissing on the lips is not a sexual activity shared by partners in the throes of passion, rather that it's a common practice for families, friends, and extended family members. When President Clinton denied having "sex with that woman" in the oval office, middle school students lined up for oral sex with each other, on school yards. The president said it's not sex, so in their minds it was ok...  Should we empathize with the president's reasoning/intentions in this situation, to decide if his actions and words were kind to those he loved and shared sexual encounters with? Should we empathize with him to decide if the impact on middle school students is one we support? I think we empathize with those he hurt to decipher the impact of his words and actions, not with him.

 

Messages sent to young people are influencing them in alarming ways. May I remind us all of the sexual assault and harassment taking place on college campuses as some athletes claim entitlements which are supported by academia. And please also remember the body image concerns, eating disorders, and mood disorders young females struggle with as a result of trying to live up to beauty standards set by corporate advertising which intends to profit, not hurt? Well intended messages and practices still hurt people when empathic failures for Others persist.

 

Thanks much for thinking with me on this topic. It's a tough one, since many parents practice kissing their children on the lips and don't intend anything afoul.

Lee-Anne

Hello Tina Marie,

 

Thank you for reminding us about cultural sensitivity. To which culture would parents kissing children on the lips belong? I do agree that cultures embrace love and affection differently. Are you aware of any cultures, or studies of cultures, that explore parents kissing children on the lips? Do any cultures come to your mind where this is the norm? Let's remember that Female Genital Mutilation is a norm in some cultures, and many nations and NGO's are challenging that norm.

 

Friends, let us please not confuse "cultural norm" with "well-being."

 

And, would you say that American culture is one that embraces and supports this practice of parents kissing children on the lips?

 

Thanks much for your reminder about culture. Most welcome, indeed! 

 

Warmly,

Lee-Anne

Hi Lee Ann nope I don't know of any specific cultures. I'm also not riled up. Do I abhore child sexual abuse you bet like many on ACEs been there, experienced that.  Do I think American culture is a disaster. Absolutely!!! That's why I have never watched TV in 29 years or go to movies etc. Have I seen terrified parents from Africa desperate to have me find some reason their child couldn't travel by plane to be deported back to Africa knowing the child would have to have this procedure, yep and I was scared my self and sickened because I had to learn what genital mutilation was. I am not an enemy. I believe in open dialogue and was really being more inquisitive than anything. Thanks Tina

Dear Tina,

 

Thank you very much for sharing your heart stories on Africa, American TV & culture, as well as your child patients. Like you, I am invested in promoting open, curious, respectful, and regulated dialogue, and believe that's what we've both been bringing to the topic. Would you be interested in having a dialogue with me where we can see and/or hear one another? I am interested in hearing/seeing your whole perspective on this matter.

 

With a warm and open heart,

Lee-Anne

This raises a great question about the sufficiency of the ACE screenings. For some children, being kissed on the lips by a parent could very well be perceived as a violation of their physical and sexual boundaries. I'm thinking especially of mothers who commit emotional incest with their sons; it's such a hidden form of abuse because it usually does not include sexual touching; but kissing a son on the lips in the context of emotional incest draws close to that line.

What is important when considering a adverse childhood experiences is the child's experience. Many military families move several times throughout a child's life causing great social difficulty, impaired healthy attachments, loss or absence of community ( a source of resilience for many)-and yet this not part of any screenings I've seen. Moving many times, without warning because of poverty, unsafe housing or parental insufficiencies could equally be traumatizing to a child.

I say, ask the child. The child will be the one to tell you if something feels like a traumatic event to them and that is truly what matters.

Add Reply

Copyright ÂĐ 2023, PACEsConnection. All rights reserved.
×
×
×
×
Link copied to your clipboard.
×