10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop!


One way to help build a child's resilience is to help them and the adults in their sphere of influence understand alcohol and other drug use disorders and their impacts of families. 

Nearly 80 million Americans are affected by someone's drinking (this does not include those affected by someone's other drug use). These nearly 80 million are the wives, husbands, moms, dads, children, brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, grandchildren, boyfriends, girlfriends, and close friends who are affected by secondhand drinking.

To help people who are affected by someone's drinking or who just want to understand substance use disorders and their impacts on others, I've written the “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.

Research Highlights Shared in the 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!

  • why alcoholism is considered a brain disease
  • why treatment for alcoholism is not “one size fits all,” nor does it necessarily have to involve residential rehab or a 12- step program
  • what adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and the CDC- Kaiser ACE Study have to do with alcohol use disorders and their impacts on the family
  • why dealing with a loved one’s drinking behaviors can cause toxic stress, and why toxic stress can change a family member’s physical and emotional health and quality of life
  • and why society’s common belief that alcoholism is a choice, a lack of willpower, and/or a moral failing is utterly absurd. Even the terminology has changed. In the mental health diagnostic field, these issues are no longer simply labeled “alcohol abuse” and “alcoholism.” 

All of this and so much more of what I share in this 10th Anniversary Edition is rooted in brain science that was not widely known in 2009 or has been newly discovered or advanced since.

Advance Review Copy Endorsements for 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!

It is common to send out advance review copies to people and ask if they will read and consider giving an endorsement that can be used in the final copy. Below I share some of these advance review endorsements:

If there is just ONE book you are going to read, make it this one. A powerful, educational, guide for families, mixed with Lisa’s personal story, that will help them understand alcohol use disorders, learn how to handle the gripping fear, and transform their relationship with their loved ones—Katie Donovan, Author, Speaker, Family Recovery Coach and Founder of A Mother’s Addiction Journey.com

“If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!” is an essential read for understanding the science behind alcohol addiction. You’ll discover things about yourself and your loved you didn’t realize needed to be discovered Lisa Frederiksen presents this powerful information in a concise, easy-to-understand way. As an adult child of an alcoholic on a healing journey, I learned more from this book than the dozens of clinical books I’ve read on the topic. It also provides practical coping and healing tactics for all those who love an alcoholic. “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!” belongs in the library of all adult children of alcoholics and all those who are worried about a loved one’s drinking. —Jody Lamb, adult child of alcoholic and author of “7 Things That Change Everything”

This book is outstanding and should be a seminal read for all families. Period. Alcohol plays too large a role in our lives and society and the consequences of untreated alcohol use disorders are too horrific and common for us to lack the understanding of subtle differences between healthy and unhealthy drinking behaviors, disease progression, treatment options, and the stages and lifestyles of recovery. —Fay Zenoff, Executive Director of Open Recovery

Lisa’s user-friendly book gives the reader hope and a better understanding of how a loved one’s drinking or other drug use disorders turn families upside down and how they may regain their balance. —Carolyn Younger, MFT, Family Program Director Muir Wood Adolescent and Family Services

Lisa Frederiksen has done an impressive job of integrating research and current scientific findings into readable text about addiction and its impact on families – through multiple generations. Everyone working with families traumatized by child abuse/neglect, family violence, and addiction needs to read this book as it links brain development, trauma, and addiction and what we can do.  My agency will definitely list this book as recommended reading.  —Rosemary Tisch, M.A., Director, Prevention Partnership International, Program Developer Celebrating Families!™

Lisa Frederiksen’s book, “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop,” is an excellent resource for families concerned about a loved one’s drinking. A thorough explanation of the difference between social drinking, alcohol abuse, and alcoholism and how excessive drinking affects the brain is included. Family members will have a much better understanding of their loved one’s drinking habits not to scold or confront, but rather to work towards finding a recovery process that makes sense for them. Lisa’s coined term, secondhand drinking, so clearly puts into focus what a family member goes through as they navigate the choppy waters of alcohol use disorder. With personal anecdotes, research, and tips on how family members can help themselves, this book is a must-read for anyone struggling with their loved one’s excessive drinking. —Cathy Taughinbaugh, Certified Parent Coach, Founder of CathyTaughinbaugh.com

If You Loved Me, You’d Stop belongs in the toolbox of everyone who loves someone with a drinking problem; there is help and hope for a better way on every page. In this handbook for loved ones, Lisa Frederiksen tackles the shame, misunderstanding, and dysfunction, breaking it into manageable bites of understanding and action. Practical, compassionate and real, she explains without excusing and guides without accusing, helping to bridge the chasm between heart and head. Just open the pages and let the healing begin. —Sandy Swenson, author of The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction and Tending Dandelions: Honest Mediations for Mothers with Addicted Children; Founder of MomPower.org.

Lisa brings 50-years of very personal and heart-wrenching experience to this 10th Anniversary Edition of her fine book. In assisting the secondhand drinker with finding their own recovery, Lisa shares cutting-edge scientific information from the best minds and leading researchers, as well as addressing emotional and mental health dynamics. Lisa will convince you that you aren’t alone, and the best part is she does it because she cares. For anyone wanting to understand secondhand drinking and emerge from its impact, look no further. —Bill White, MS, LLPC, Founder of Chipur.com

A must-read for family members in order to understand why a loved one keeps drinking in spite of the problems it causes and what the family members can do to help themselves—Gregory Pryor, CEAP, CPS, Army Substance Abuse Program Manager at Ft. Irwin National Training Center

This book offers extremely powerful information for anyone suffering from a loved one’s drinking – whether that person is an alcohol abuser, alcoholic, or week-end binge drinker. And though she focuses on drinking, her research and concepts can be applied to a loved one with a drug use problem, as well. Helping people understand the science behind drinking problems and toxic stress, which is what can happen to family members and friends, and her tools and tips for reclaiming one’s life are very empowering. A must-read! —Michael Herbert CASAC, ICADC, CIP, Founder of Recovery Guide

Lisa Frederiksen’s book, “If You Loved me, You’d Stop,” is a book of hope. It leaves the reader with the understanding that resiliency and dignity can emerge out of facing adversity. Through her voice of experience coupled with her extensive research, she provides an extraordinary book of knowledge and wisdom that is written in a clear and understandable manner for those navigating the painful path when a loved one is in the grasp of addiction or abuse of alcohol/drugs. —Elizabeth Holt, Psychotherapist, LPC, ATR-BC, SEP

This is a great book and a must read for anyone dealing with a loved one who drinks too much or has developed alcoholism. Lisa’s extensive research and knowledge of both and the toxic effects they have on family members is presented in a way which is easy to understand. She also includes updated research on adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), childhood trauma, and the correlation they have to someone developing a severe alcohol use disorder and why addressing them is necessary in order to fully recover. The real bonus is she offers practical, everyday tools and resources to help family members learn better ways of coping with a loved one’s drinking behaviors and to improve their own health and quality of life. I have added this book to the list of other books I recommend to my clients who have loved ones suffering from the disease of addiction. —Rosemary O’Connor, Author of “A Sober Mom’s Guide to Recovery: Taking Care of Yourself to Take Care of Your Kids” (Hazelden 2015) and Founder of SoberMomsGuide.com

Please read this book. If you have a drinking problem, read the book. If you know or love someone who has a drinking problem, read this book. This book is full of information about alcohol use disorders and secondhand drinking that will help you understand your loved one, as well as yourself. Updated to include the most recent discoveries in brain science and social investigations, it makes clear that it is time to step into recovery and drop the stigma and shame. Truly a “must read” for anyone in the treatment industry, for the families of those in treatment centers, and for those realizing it isn’t “just me.” —Kyczy Hawk, Yoga Instructor, Founder of YogaRecovery.com, and Author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path,” “Yogic Tools For Recovery,” and a series of word puzzle books combining recovery and yoga.

Reading “If You Love Me, You’d Stop” opened my eyes to the reality that addiction, whether to alcohol or other drugs, is a devastating, all encompassing, family disease.  How I wish I had the knowledge this book would have provided during the height of my son’s addiction. If your loved one has a drinking problem, I urge you to purchase this book. Purchase this book for everyone you know whose life has been affected by someone’s alcohol or other drug abuse.  If You Loved Me, You’d Stop is a lifeline full of the newest scientific research that gives you the knowledge base to not just survive your loved one’s addiction but to thrive in finding yourself again.  —MaryBeth Cichocki, RN, Creator of the blog, MothersHeartBreak, Founder of Support After Addiction Death and A Hug From Matt

As a person who needs to see the scientific proof, I appreciated that Lisa’s book provides the latest information about the impacts of alcohol use disorders, ACEs (adverse childhood experiences), trauma, stress, environment, and genetics on brain and mental health. I also appreciated the easy-to-understand manner in which it was presented. The way Lisa wove her personal experiences throughout the chapters to demonstrate the concepts made it relatable, human, and interesting. This is a must-read for anyone whose life has been impacted by alcohol. —Debbie Hampton, Author, Writer, and Creator of The Best Brain Possible.

“…It answers so many questions – Lisa’s understanding of alcohol use disorders and the family member’s experience – aka secondhand drinking – and the way she presents the latest research in a conversational manner – it’s just really a fine piece of work!” —Caroll Fowler, M.A., LMFT, Certified Addiction Counselor, 35 years Recovery

Reading “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop” has been a pleasure for me and more importantly, sharing it with two ex-wives of alcoholics, one who was in a 20-year marriage and another in a 10-year marriage. Both said to me, “I asked that very same question a multitude of times and learned that he loved his alcohol more than he loved me.” Through therapy they both have learned to forgive and to hate the disease and not the person. —Eddie deRoulet, MA, LBSW, LCDC


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