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Why Survivors Need Each Other

While childhood abuse is common, open talk about the struggle to live, love, and parent well after being raised in hell is rare.

 

“If I was dissociating, I wouldn’t feel so anxious,” she said.

 

“Or you might, but you just wouldn’t know it,” I replied.

 

We laughed the PTSD laugh.

 

This is how survivors talk to one another. We don’t flashback together or complain about our parents. We talk about how our present day symptoms (numbness, anxiety, nightmares, and fearfulness) are like gum in the hair, leaks in the roof, and jack hammers to the nervous system that won’t be ignored.

 

Developmental trauma is a newer phrase, like Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which means the trauma was repeated at the hands of loved ones throughout childhood, and it’s complicated.

 

I say, abuse was the peanut butter of childhood and neglect the jelly.

 

Adverse childhood events and the lasting toll they take on mental and physical health throughout the life cycle are now well documented in the ACE STUDY.

 

However, while childhood abuse is common, open talk about the struggle to live, love, and parent well after being raised in hell is rare.

 

So, meeting a woman to talk to about writing, life, and surviving is still exciting for me. We were going to a bookstore coffee shop to share techniques for clearing the never-ending sink full of dirty dishes in our brain.

 

A panic attack took precedence. She called to cancel and apologize as though her panic was an insult to me. It wasn’t. I was impressed that she didn’t make up a lie. I know it’s hard to be that honest.

 

Coping well and being calm during crisis can be a personality trait, like always wearing dangly earrings. It’s difficult to give up because the perks for being accomplished and productive are so good, and the rewards for nurturing the self are so invisible and low.

 

To be emotionally available and responsive to others, it turns out I have to be emotionally present and responsive to myself. This is not good news and I recoil a little inside every time I remember.

 

The spilling of actual emotions is as appealing as letting snot leak from the nose or pus ooze from a cut. My default setting is to greet my feelings with the same “What the fuck do you want?” response I received in childhood.

 

But I’m not a child anymore.

 

“The only abuser left in your life,” a yoga teacher once said to me in a private session, “is you.” You need to parent yourself the way you wish you had been parented.

 

Now, I only slip into high self-hate and low self-acceptance when I’m post-traumatically stressed out (parenting, in a relationship, having menopause symptoms, or when a relative dies).

 

Emotional health requires staying present at least some of the time. Staying present is a challenge for even the most seasoned meditators staring at sunsets and sunflowers. For those who were helpless children, staying present can be impossible. We learned how to do the opposite: We rock at staying absent.

 

As a child, I air lifted myself out of my body and right into my brain. I played dead or became one with the ceiling. It felt like hiding in a corner while the house was robbed. I was the house. Relatives were the robbers.

 

Now, I am learning to give up my favorite coping skills. And when I do, all of those old sensations are stored in the stillness. They waited for me to mature and center. That seems so mean.

 

But this is the work, and sometimes it pisses me off that my energy is spent on this.

 

I often look for an easier way. I wonder how old I’ll be when I’m done unraveling the knots in my nervous system.

 

I’m sick of being sick of the process.

 

I’ve been an adult longer than I was a child and I don’t want to be impacted. Can’t I at least circle new drains or upgrade the scenery on this repeat track. I don’t want to have to do regular exercise to keep off the emotional pounds.

 

I feel burdened, exhausted, and martyred at times, wearing an itchy wool coat I can’t disrobe.

 

It is not the presence of bad (abuse) but the absence of good (love, attachment, boundaries, modeling) that injures children into adulthood. Most of us have learned not to drink, abuse, and be violent (yay us!), but the more subtle aspects of self-care and recovery are healthy nurturing, interdependence, making time for love and joy. Those can be mysterious.

 

What I know is talking to other survivors helps most. We can laugh about missing the “ease” of numbness while knowing the agony of being emotionally blunted isn’t worth the trade off. We can share how strenuous the process feels and is. And we can learn from each other.

 

This new friend risked being authentic and vulnerable, let down her walls and defenses and showed me what intimacy is.

 

Talking with her, I was reminded, survivors have symptoms. They can linger for a long time. That’s just how it is. I don’t think any less of her. I felt no judgment. We helped each other. Most days, we are high-functioning warriors building and rebuilding lives and selves. On those days, there is no shortage of people to talk with and relate to.

 

But on the days we feel tipped over inside by trauma, we need one another, people who get it as though we are sharing the same orange and saying, “It’s juicy, tangy, messy, and sweet.” It’s a sensory, tactile knowing, not theoretical or abstract or requiring a co-pay or short educational asides.

 

I crave more of this. I have always craved this. I want to be able to say and hear others talking about the important and unglamorous healing of developmental trauma. I want to hear people who document and describe what breaking the cycle actually requires.

 

Another ACES Connection member asked me to share this here. So I am. It was originally printed in Role Reboot and on my blog, www.healwritenow.com

 

We aren’t children anymore, but we are never too old to be reminded we are not alone.

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Comments (6)

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Hi Jane, Kathy, Cissy, Lisa, Scott, and Visitors, [and members reading this later] 

     I am not yet able to commit to being a co-organizer, but I am certainly interested in keeping this idea alive, and at least "simmering on the back burner". I'd also like to explore "resilience building" options for members and "staff" of ACEsConnection, as we're not yet fully immunized against "vicarious trauma", etc. I've seen "Trauma-Informed Intentional Peer Support" training materials from Shery Mead & Chris Hansen (actually went through a few training sessions with them), and I think those materials could be quite helpful, as we try to conceptualize an ideal "Buddy Bench" Vision, Mission, etc. ...

Hi Cissy

I'd like to do something on here about your comment  "I'm wondering if there's a sub group anywhere for those with high ACE scores looking to reverse the impact of those."  Jane Stevens has done a terrific job of creating in-person support groups in cities where ACEsConnection is already holding meetings/very active.  But I don't live anywhere near any of these cities, and many people on here don't either.  A lot of us tend to live in isolated places and we know why!

 

So some of us on here are discussing creating a "Buddy Bench" online support group on ACEsConnection, where people in pain "now" can log in, and see if someone is online who can just be their buddy.  That means, ONLY compassionate listening. The buddy is just another damaged person like me or you, not a shrink, and won't play God by giving advice, may not say much. The buddy will simply BE.   BE here and be "hear" for us, so we feel seen and heard.

 

To set this up, I need a list of 3-5 ACEsConnection members who are willing to be "co-organizers" of the Buddy Bench support group.  I can't lead it; no one's gonna lead it; none of us are shrinks.  But if we get a list of 3-5 volunteers to co-organize, we can set it up and see if it works for members.  It will be a "we're all in this together" group, no one playing shrink. We'll be humbly committed to the truth that we're just creatures; none of us are the Creator.

 

So let me know asap if you want to be a Buddy Bench co-organizer.

 

And anyone on here reading this -- Let me know as well!

 

As to direct contact, your subject in this blog: please see my private "dialogue" message to you which has my personal email address. Please email me and I'll send you my phone. I find it hard to communicate on these public pages and don't want to post my phone.

And how very human we ALL ARE!!! I felt like I was human wrong for so long. Nice to let that feeling go, huh? Thanks for commenting!
Cissy

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