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Beautiful Beaches & Trying Triumphs

 

Deep thoughts as I enjoy a beautiful Florida morning . . .

This trip has been filled with a mix of positives and not-so-much. On our eleven hour drive, all of which my partner had to handle as I cannot drive on highways nor in unfamiliar places (I must know my exit points at all times), I kept reminding myself, "I am so proud of you, Teri. You are doing this without Xanax. You are strong. You've got this." I know it is difficult for many to wrap their heads around my illogical fears related to travel and cars. But, a Facebook post about my bank robberies from two years ago helped shed light on it for me during EMDR therapy.

During one robbery I was trapped in a small space, a gun to my temple, a coworker kneeling inches from me with three stab wounds to his back. In the next robbery, I was trapped in a wide open space, hiding behind a row house behind a plaza along I-75 with its speeding trucks, face to face with a loaded Luger on my right. I had to choose between that Luger to my right, which thankfully misfired, and running back toward the gunfire happening in the parking lot as the other assailant was in a shoot-out with the police. I chose to run toward gunfire.

That was piled onto a bunch of "trapped" trauma from my childhood involving sexual, physical and emotional abuse. The trauma trapped in my body is still finding its way out. It is most evident when I travel or am in a car. I feel unsettled away from home, my known comforts.

BUT . . . I travel and face my fears because I am determined to learn from this, to overcome, to keep trying, to persist and conquer. One little car trip, one vacation, at a time.

I've had moments of overwhelming panic creep up while here . . . heavy traffic in construction in Nashville and Birmingham, wide open beaches and electing to toss football and lacrosse in the surf with the kids, trying to walk up super high stairs to ride a white water rapids ride, walking out onto a pier over water, driving along the strip to give Jen a break from driving. My thoughts race out of control as I look frantically around for an escape. An escape from an invisible ghost still lurking inside. Tingles surge throughout my limbs as the adrenaline pulses, triggered by a benign event in the present while fueled by terror in the past.

Then I remember . . . you're okay, T. You are safe. You are right here in the present, in this space that's surrounded by peace and joy. And I bring myself back to the NOW. It's a cycle I live every day. It just creeps up more frequently on trips.

Writing my book has aged me. I look in the mirror and think, "Who is that?" Wrinkles and weight gain. My son saw a pic of me and said, "That doesn't even look like my mom." A lady asked me yesterday if I was a senior (age 65 and over for a discount). I'm 52.

However, it has been a much-needed release and a continuation of my healing journey.

This trip I will have traveled without Xanax. I will have walked out onto the pier as far as I comfortably could handle. I will have driven up and down the strip and remained panic-attack free. I will have tossed football and lacrosse in the surf but returned to my chair under the umbrella when I've felt overwhelmed so I could practice mindfulness exercises and reel myself back to reality. I will have walked up the scary wooden stairs as far as possible before deciding my comfort level was maxing out and respecting my needs enough to turn around and wait in the cool waters below.

It's about determination and courage and persistence. Even though at times I feel like I'm failing and disappointed in my progress. I then have a memory  pop up on Facebook and I remind myself, "Holy shit, Teri. You have come so far. Just keep living life one moment at a time. One car ride. One challenge. One triumph!"

You've got this, kid.

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Comments (4)

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Cheryl Miranda posted:

Teri, thank you for sharing.

Sometimes I feel when will I be totally free from my past, it makes me feel inadequate not being able to speed up things. Reading your journey feels reassuring that I have to accept each day with its challenges and not feel bad that I am not doing enough to become whole. Acknowledging and processing the good and but mostly bad is what helps our healing.

I have that mixed feeling of I'm so sorry you can relate yet I'm so happy my words can resonate with your soul. I find strength in those connections. Thanks for always taking the time to provide feedback on my ramblings.

Peace,

Teri

Teri, thank you for sharing.

Sometimes I feel when will I be totally free from my past, it makes me feel inadequate not being able to speed up things. Reading your journey feels reassuring that I have to accept each day with its challenges and not feel bad that I am not doing enough to become whole. Acknowledging and processing the good and but mostly bad is what helps our healing.

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