How Can I Go Back to Being Myself When There's No One There? [thefix.com]

On the other side of addiction, or a long, shitty toxic relationship, or an exceptionally consuming and draining job, one of the things we commonly hear people say is “I finally got myself back,” or “I finally feel like the old me again,” or another expression of the same sentiment. It’s almost inevitable that when lost in one of these situations you become so consumed by it that the person you once were ceases to exist. That person is simply bowled over and absorbed by the relentless demands of the drugs, the alcohol, the selfish, controlling or abusive mate, the meetings and never-ending tasks of the job. The addiction doesn’t care that you used to love to draw or write. The toxic relationship pays no mind to the network of friends and loved ones you once made time for. The once-coveted career has no interest in the fact that it has destroyed your marriage. These things will suck your soul right out of you like a vacuum and leave your shell on the ground, trying to make sense of what happened. Trying to pinpoint the exact moment where you lost the person you once were.

That did not happen to me. I did not get back to my old self. I was not met with the relief of slipping back into my familiar and comfortable personality.

Like many people who grew up in a chaotic, alcoholic home, I have never known who I was. As children, we are ripped from childhood and plopped squarely into the role of caretaker: tiny adult extraordinaire. We are chastised and scolded according to our chronological age, but then expected to behave as grownups. We have the mind and maturity level and egocentric view of a child, but the responsibilities of the whole household. It’s confusing. There is no normal or feasible way to develop a sense of self when you are constantly being pulled back and forth. One moment you are made to feel important and powerful, and the next you don’t exist. There are so many different sets of circumstances that lead to the same end results: a child or teen with a fractured sense of self; a massive lack of self-worth; an inability to identify as anything except what they perceive others perceive them to be.

[For more on this story by Jessie Monreal, go to https://www.thefix.com/how-can...-theres-no-one-there]