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In the Shadow of Fear? How do Anxious Parents Raise Confident Children?

 

I've been thinking a lot about projection all weekend. It started with the great discussion on projection started by Lindi last week where awesome conversation and resources have been shared. We hope to continue that in an online chat in Parenting with ACEs group in the near future. 

My boyfriend and I were walking my dog at a state park. It was beautiful out. Warm and sunny and finally summer.

There were eight teens screaming, yelling and swimming by the edge of the water. I was startled by the noise.

I saw more boys than girls and worried. What if they are drinking and someone drowns? What if they are partying and someone is hit or raped? Where will they go for help or safety? What it they are here when it gets dark?

I wanted to stay still, stand on alert and make sure all of the screaming was truly playful. I thought, maybe we should make camp and let them see adults were around, and staying.

My boyfriend, seeing the exact same scene said: 

"That's what summer should be. Kids, hanging out and having fun. No structure. No homework."

We were looking at the same thing!

He saw fun and joy and carefree summer. 

I saw danger, threat, potential violence and death.

I did not think, blissful summer day and how wonderful that this group gathered to hike here and swim.

"You worry too much." It's not what he said yesterday but it's something I said to myself and that's been said to me a lot.

It's true and I'm not sure if I can stop.

This isn't a new thing I have learned about myself but I didn't realize how deeply and how often I'm alert for threat and how I dive into scenarios where someone gets brutalized or killed or is in danger.

It's not just worry. There is sexism in the world and scenes which can look safe to some can look dangerous to others for real reasons. 

There's both fear and truth in what we each saw.

But what I noticed yesterday, that while I understand where my fear comes from and why I see potential danger so often, I had not realized how quickly and automatically this fear-driven brain of mine kicks in.

In ways that aren't shared by everyone. Not all people do this. Surely, not all parents are so fearful. But it's my default setting. Fear is always there.

How often I default to danger and fear startles me some (see, I'm even afraid of being fearful).

So far, mindfulness has helped me notice my fearfulness more than challenge or change it a lot.

It's not until I'm with someone who is so different than I can see the world THEY way they see it and realize that is another option as well.

I need to be with more people who are less fearful. It's wonderful to observe the way they inhabit and engage with the world. 

As a parent, my daughter needs to have adults in her world who aren't primed for threat 24/7, who aren't always on guard and alert.

I wish I was one of those people more of the time.

The truth is, at least to date, I'm not. I am fearful - maybe even than most.

It's understandable. It's not even all bad. I don't pretend there aren't things in the world that aren't scary, dangerous or unjust. That can make me protective and fuel my desires for social change. Those are positive things.

It's the balance I'm after in my parenting and in myself.

I want my kid to sometimes see me more relaxed, more joyful and more "off" when I'm not acting as though being alive is a defensive posture. 

I want her to see me unafraid of the world as well.

I can barely look when my kid is gymnastics class. She wants to tumble and do back flips and I admire the way she challenges herself but I have to sit on my hands not to wince when she's does back walk overs or attempts new skills.

But it's not just when she's doing back bends that I worry.

It's all the dang time.

I know not to verbalize or express every fear but not how to keep myself from tensing.

The best I can do at times is endure while she's challenging herself or out in the world. I can't quite celebrate, relax or have some confidence and faith.

Not as often as I'd like at least. 

I wonder:

  • How do other parents check fear and keep things balanced and in perspective?
  • How do other parents accept your own levels of fearfulness without passing it on to your kids?
  • How do you balance the fall-out from early adversity and trauma and project a calmer experience of the world knowing that others can have it - and hopefully they are our kids?
  • What others do people use or know about to help work with fear and anxiety and post-trauma symptoms in ourselves?
  • How can we nurture a less scared world view for our children when we still have a fear-based outlook?
  • How can I pass on less fear?

For me, yoga helps most as does guided imagery, so I'm not so edgy or agitated. Plus, I constantly remind myself to see, notice, ingest and comment on what is good: the bunny that is going across the road; the wildflowers by the pavement that are tenacious and delicate; the way the cat and dog now sleep together on the bed; the taste of orange juice some mornings; how thoughtful people can be....

But it takes effort.

  • What tips, tools and strategies do you have for yourself or when working with other parents?
  • What resources, books or tools do you recommend?

What are your parenting challenges and successes when it comes to dealing with your own fear and raising confident children?

 

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thanks for writing this, Cissy!  

To me, my big fear is the overwhelming social media presence that is the norm for adolescents these days. I have a 15 year old and i am worried about her being exposed to things that i she doesn't know how to understand/process at her age. And she isnt coming to me to help process it, so who is she turning to to understand this stuff? Her friends?

And then there is the fear of cyber bullying... scary stuff.

And a response to you and this BIG IMPORTANT QUESTION: 

  • How do you balance the fall-out from early adversity and trauma and project a calmer experience of the world knowing that others can have it - and hopefully they are our kids?

So important and so hard to do with all the challenges that life throws our way.  Yoga, exercise, meditation are really important ways for me to find calm and I always feel better when I make the time but oftentimes the first thing to get dropped if my kid, husband, job, friend, needs me. 

As for resources - I love Daniel Siegal's books.  He has written about the adolescent brain in "Brainstorm" and Parenting from the Inside Out is classic for kids of any age.  I am reading "Untangled" about teen girls and finding it helpful to understand my daughter's sometimes confusing behaviors. None of these specifically address ACEs and the effect of our ACEs on our parenting but they help me not worry so much about my daughter by better understanding her behaviors.  I would love to hear other suggestions!

thanks, gail

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