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Letting go of Excuses to Heal from Trauma and Recover from Addiction

 

Blacking out and waking up the next morning wondering what had happened the night before was normal for me while I was stuck in the midst of addiction - but this time was different. I didn’t know where I was, the room was unfamiliar and dark. There were clothes scattered all over the floor. I had a pounding headache and I was completely undressed, only covered by a small blanket with stains all over it. My whole body was achy and I knew something was wrong. I had a sense of impending doom and fear come over me as I heard laughter in the next room.

I scrambled to find my clothing and my belongings before stumbling into the room where the laughter was coming from. I saw three men, only one of which I knew, watching a video on a cell phone. The video was of me, unconscious, being raped.

I left the house as fast as I could. My car was outside so I must have driven there in a drunken stupor, when and why, I have no idea.

This happened the weekend before I was leaving for college on a full ride scholarship so I kept it a secret. I would drown my sorrows in a bottle of whiskey and a couple of pills and keep my mouth shut. College was my ticket out of the town I was living in - I was going to leave and never go back.

I certainly don’t blame my addiction on the event that happened to me, but it gave me an excuse to keep drinking and using. Now that I am sober, I refer to it as my “trump card”. Everybody has one. It is that excuse that you can pull out of your back pocket, thinking, “if this happened to them, they would drink too.” It was a way for me to justify my substance abuse for years until the substances stopped working.

I thought I would be able to ignore what had happened to me and go on with my life, but it contributed to my strong distrust in men. I was unable to form healthy relationships and I truly didn’t value myself or my body. The only relationships I had were highly toxic because all I cared about was numbing my emotions with a substance. I went on a downward spiral of drug and alcohol abuse until I was suicidal, then I finally sought professional help through drug rehab.

Until I received therapy, I had previously blamed myself for the assault. I had this misconception that it was my fault for getting too intoxicated. In reality, it wasn’t my fault at all. I was the victim of a sick, awful event. The only part I played in the assault was that I held onto it for so long as an excuse for my reckless, addictive behaviors.

In therapy, I learned the importance of building healthy relationships with other women. For the first time, I felt comfortable sharing openly and honestly with other women about what had happened to me. I finally found the healing and comfort I needed within these relationships, where we built each other up and loved each other for all of our perfect imperfections.

Just because I was a victim of rape does not mean I can sit and sulk in self-pity. It means I must use my voice to spread awareness around the too frequent act of sexual assault and the high numbers of women who have experienced it. If women join and in hand to hold each other up and love one another, we can all recover and overcome our past together.

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