The 7 Mindsets Blueprint For A Great (and "Terrible") Relationship


The 7 Mindsets consist of seven ways of thinking and using our minds that are demonstrated by the highest and happiest achievers in history (see for more about the background of The 7 Mindsets).  Interestingly, these Mindsets not only show the way to a great life, they show the way to a great relationship.  They also reveal the basic flaws of a relationship that is really not good for us, no matter how strongly attracted we might feel to it!

Let’s begin with an understanding of the 7 Mindsets Blueprint for a great relationship.  As a couple aligns with these 7 Mindsets, deep and great harmony is achieved, harmony that uplifts and supports the couple as well as their children if they are parents.  The influence of family harmony translates into higher levels of personal achievement and fulfillment of every member of the family and extends into the community at large.

The first Mindset is Everything Is Possible

This Mindset is all about dreaming big and going for those big dreams with positive expectations and the determination to learn from and persevere through difficulty and disappointment.  A couple aligns with this Mindset when they first and foremost support one another’s pursuit of their own individual highest dream and vision for life.  Neither feels threatened by the other’s high pursuit.  On the contrary, they feel, think and speak positively with and for one another.  Additionally, the couple aligns with this Mindset when they share a compatible big dream for the relationship itself.  Their ideals of relationship harmony, mutual respect, empathy, honesty and unconditional love are complimentary and sincerely pursued.  

The second Mindset is Passion First

We live this Mindset when we rely upon the development and application of our natural gifts and talents.  We recognize that inspiration essential for living a meaningful, happy and successful life.  Pursuing what you love doing and the development of the abilities you enjoy developing, and exploring what you are most deeply interested in learning and exploring you ignite and harness the positive driving power of your passion. You also live with passion by standing up for what your core beliefs are; which means not compromising on your sense of integrity.  A couple aligns with this Mindset by fully respecting and appreciating one another’s need to rely upon and develop their natural gifts and talents.  Neither feels threatened by the greatness of the other burning brightly.  Each encourages and supports the other to follow the path of joy in life, to do what they each individually love to do for a living, to pursue their interests to the fullest and with respect for standing firm on the bedrock of their individual core values.  Relationships harness passion by doing a sufficient amount of what the couple deeply enjoys doing together.

The third Mindset is We Are Connected

We live this Mindset when we leverage the power of relationship to live our best life.  No one succeeds alone and we need harmonious relationships to be as happy as we can be.  By developing positive, mutually supportive relationships we empower ourselves to reach our highest levels of joyful success while helping others do the same.  A couple aligns with this Mindset by cultivating a positive, harmonious social circle outside the relationship.  Neither brings negative or destructive people into their lives.  They are both committed to limiting and minimalizing all necessary interactions with destructive people.  Beyond this, the couple honors and respects the need for respectful, harmonious modes of relating with one another.  Neither is so focused on his or her own personal wants that the quality of the relationship is overlooked.  When disagreements arise, solutions are sought in kind, caring ways that do not damage the trust between them. 

The fourth Mindset is 100% Accountable

We bring this Mindset to life when we accept total responsibility for our own life.  We do not blame or resent others for what happens.  Rather, we look back at the choices we made that brought difficulty into our lives, in order to learn from those mistakes and make better choices going forward.  We accept the fact that what happens to us is never anything more than the field of opportunity we have to make the most of our lives.  Couples align with this Mindset by resisting the temptation to blame or resent one another for any disappointments and difficulties that may befall them.  There is an absence of accusatory finger-pointing in their manner of interaction.  They recognize that they need to work together to create the life they want together.  While they acknowledge the value of forming helpful relationships with others, they do not make others responsible for bailing them out of difficulty or making their dreams come true.  When discord between them arises each takes total responsibility for the personal growth that improving the relationship requires.

The fifth Mindset is Attitude Of Gratitude

This Mindset represents the wisdom of focusing on what we appreciate and expressing genuine thankfulness for it.  Study after study attests to the fact that focusing on what we are grateful for brings more of what we want into our lives, while focusing on what is going wrong and on what there is to complain causes lack.  A couple aligns with this very powerful Mindset when they focus on what they appreciate in one another.  Even sarcastic criticism supposedly meant in fun is a no-no here.  By looking for things to appreciate in your partner, and expressing your appreciation with heartfelt appreciation, you bring more of what you want into the relationship and inspire the other to keep on giving his or her best.  In addition, as each member of the couple focuses on all there is to appreciate in life, and thus minimizes complaining about anything or anyone, the power of their mutual gratitude brings greater forms of abundance into their life.

The sixth Mindset is Live To Give

We live this Mindset when we focus our lives on giving what we truly want to give, instead of worrying about what we are going to get.  The more you give, the more you receive.  This is a great key to both happiness and to meaningful success.  Stretch yourself to give your very best and your very most to life and you will find the very best and the very most life has to give you.  For a couple to align with this Mindset means that they do not worry about what their partner will give to them; they focus on being their best with and for their partner. This Mindset relates to the Passion First Mindset in that the greatest gifts you have to give come from sharing your natural talents, interests and core values.  Find ways to bring joy to your partner by sharing your gifts with your partner.  And then honor the gifts your partner brings to you with sincere expressions of appreciation.  One of the most important gifts we can give is the gift of expressing sincere, heartfelt gratitude for what we are given.  Another important aspect of the Live To Give Mindset for the relationship is finding ways to be of service to causes beyond the relationship.  Joining forces for a higher purpose binds us together with a higher kind of love.

The seventh Mindset is The Time Is Now

We live this Mindset when we stay present by focusing attention on making the very most out of this present moment.  Instead of worrying about the past or future, we harness the power of The Time Is Now Mindset by focusing on right here and now as our opportunity to live our best life.  There is nothing more important than what you say, think, feel and do right now, because that determines the seeds that you are planting in the garden of your life, inevitably producing what you will reap from what you have sown.  Couples align with this Mindset by letting go of past mistakes and problems and focusing instead on making the very most of the present time that they have together.  They make sure to make time for nurturing and honoring their relationship.  Rather than looking forward to a great vacation, they concentrate on making this present moment they have together as great as possible.  When they are together, they are not psychologically absent by focusing on electronic devices or elsewhere.  They make sure to make themselves fully available, fully vulnerable, fully present with one another.

Choosing Your Relationship And Making It Better

We can use The 7 Mindsets to help us to determine if a budding relationship is worth developing.  If you’ve met someone new, see how well the two of you match up with the 7 Mindsets.  The litmus test here is that your new person is as committed to aligning with The 7 Mindsets as you are.  If you are the only one pursuing 7 Mindset alignment in the relationship you are bound to experience a worsening of the relationship the harder you try to improve it.

 We can use The 7 Mindsets as guides for cultivating a relationship that we are already committed to. Begin working on following the 7 Mindsets blueprint to your own life and to the ways that you relate with your significant other.  If your efforts toward 7 Mindsets alignment in the relationship are reciprocated by your partner, amazing harmony will bloom between you. 

The 7 Mindsets Blueprint For A “Terrible” Relationship

“Terrible” relationships are created to the degree that we misalign with the 7 Mindsets blueprint in our way of living and relating.  A clear and honest look at our relationship through the lens of the 7 Mindsets can help us recognize how things are going wrong and what we can do to improve things.  If this kind of discordant relationship characterizes the early stages of a relationship, this is most likely the kind of relationship to avoid.  

In the extreme, a “terrible” relationship is a relationship in which the couple clashes on all 7 of areas that the 7 Mindsets pertain to.  If you are in a “terrible” relationship you might begin dealing with it constructively by using the 7 Mindsets to develop your personal power, to increase your joy and turn your own life into one of more personal success and accountability.  Within the context of the relationship, try aligning with The 7 Mindsets in your ways of relating to you mate, in the hopes of bringing improvement to the relationship and inspiring your mate to raise his or her efforts.  If that does not work, though, you may need to consider using the 7 Mindsets to help you to make a more radical change.

To illustrate how The 7 Mindsets apply to a “terrible” relationship I’ll describe an extreme example. Note that as extreme as this example is, it is far from uncommon.

Misalignment with Mindset 1:

While my big dreams had to do with my literary pursuits and my work in the helping profession, my spouse’s big dream for me was all about me making money so she could live the life-style she wanted.  To her it would be okay if I made big money doing what I loved, but in the end when she left me for another man who had more money, all that mattered to her was the money.   

Misalignment with Mindset 2:

As stated above, my spouse had no interest in my passions.  In fact, she expressed an obvious disinterest in them and it seemed to me that the brighter I shined the more she felt threatened by them.  One of my passions is music, for which she showed no interest.  When I attempted to play the music I loved, or the musical instrument I’m gifted at, she would insist that I stop.  Our sense of passion in the relationship also clashed.  She felt entitled to bring in passions of anger, rage, resentment, and arguing, which for me was the opposite of what turned my positive passion on.

 Misalignment with Mindset 3:

She did not honor the quality of relationship.  For us to get along, she demanded that I do what she wants me to do, regardless of my needs and passions.  She routinely blamed and accused, criticized and complained to me about me, displaying a lack of empathy and regard for the discord between us that generated.  It felt like she cared more about winning than about getting along, more about proving that she was right and that I was wrong than coming to mutual understanding when we disagreed.  Additionally, she would criticize and complain about me to others outside the relationship and often engage in criticizing me and arguing with me in public regardless of how that negatively impacted the people around us.

Misalignment with Mindset 4:

As stated above, she would routinely engage in blaming me.  I don’t recall her accepting responsibility for anything that ever went wrong.  If she made a mistake, she would say something like, “I did it because you led me to believe you wanted me to do it.”  She displayed continual gaslighting.  Additionally, she would routinely demand that I borrow money from my rich relatives to help us live a higher lifestyle, thus shirking financial accountability for ourselves.

Misalignment with Mindset 5:

Her focus would typically be on what she did NOT like.  She expressed continual dissatisfaction regarding just about every aspect of our life.  When I would give her compliments, she would react with a critical facial expression that seemed to say something like, “You are crazy.”

Misalignment with Mindset 6:

In the end she seemed all about getting.  When she decided to leave the relationship to be with her more well-healed “soulmate” she attacked me for getting depressed about it.  She wanted me to behave in ways that helped her to not feel guilty and she wanted me to not miss a step in my work in order to provide her with alimony and child support beyond my means.  She even demanded that I give up my professional dreams to get a job that would enable me to give her enough money to start her new life without financial difficulties.  She also tried to take the children from me in order raise them with her new mate to please him.   

Misalignment with Mindset 7:

She would pride herself on being able to remember with absolute accuracy everything I ever said and did that portrayed me in a negative light, and would routinely bring up those instances. When I did something that she didn’t like or expect she would accuse me of not doing what I said I would do, even though I had no recollection of making that verbal commitment.  As I’ve alluded to, if she did something that went wrong, she would talk about how something I said or did in the past either led her to do it or essentially made it my fault.  When we were together, instead of using the time to create harmony, she would engage in a contentious conflict or psychological absence.

The 7 Mindsets Solution

The “terrible” relationship described above lasted for over 12 years!  You no doubt wonder how in the world someone could have remained with such a negative person for so long.  It may have had something to do with them having thjeir first child in the second year of their relationship, when things were difficult but had not yet deteriorated to where they were headed.  The individual who shared this tale of relationship woe with me pointed out that he was very persevering by nature.  He also admitted that he felt a strong physical attraction to his inharmonious mate.  He further reflected the he had held out hope that she would “see the light” and change “if I just kept trying harder to help her understand what she was doing to hurt the relationship”.  He certainly did not have the clarity of The 7 Mindsets as a blueprint to help him see more definitively what was going on.

He ultimately came to admit to himself that the core reason for staying in that relationship was his fear of facing life on his own.  He had never been out of a relationship for very long.  He was more afraid to be on his own than to deal with the difficulty of the relationship.  Finally, though, he found the courage to face this test, and with the help of The 7 Mindsets he felt very empowered to do so.

In Conclusion

By bringing The 7 Mindsets to life perhaps you too can face the fear that keeps you feeling stuck in a relationship that is really not working.  Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, The 7 Mindsets will help you to fulfill the greatest potential of your bond.  If you are looking for the right relationship, continue living The 7 Mindsets to lead your best life.  Use them as a guide for finding the right partner and, when you find a potential right partner, use them to help you to determine if the one you found is right for you. If you choose to go forward, use The 7 Mindsets as a blueprint for creating and maintaining a great relationship.

Our children benefit most from the healthy relationship between their parents, and suffer most from the discord. Aligning with the 7 Mindsets on an increasingly consistent basis requires the support of skillful coaching.  To optimize your application of them for a great life and gerat relationships contact me to set up a time for a complimentary phone chat to discuss how my 7 Mindsets Phone Coaching can assist you, or you and your partner.

Raising our children, Raising ourselves
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