The healing guidance of Rick Hanson makes life & even break-ups better for those with ACEs

Now I do. 

I have a way to measure and mark what has mattered in my healing.

Because I've had to use the learning, have been tested to see if it sticks.

I went through a break-up two months ago. Am going through it still. It's not fun. It was a several year's long relationship that has many wonderful aspects. We were compatible. We loved animals, walks, weren't big drinkers and are fans of reading and sleep. We are both frugal but not ridiculous. We have lots of past baggage but our bags seemed to match, having been mostly sorted, packed and that was something else we could share.

We liked some of the same TV shows, meals, and shared similar politics. We had a habit of going together to open houses and checking out apartments, even when not looking to move, just for fun. And there were differences that were good. He helped me appreciate nature, birds, hikes a bit more. I helped him talk feelings, emotions, and get in touch with old dreams.

We were, in many ways, compatible and complementary.

And yet, not compatible enough to move in together, to build a future together, to "go the distance" so to speak. We both paused when it got to the point of going deeper, living together, or making a formal or legal commitment with the intention of tethering ourselves and lives to one another.

We had different communication and conflict resolution styles, different temperaments, attachment styles. There were challenges.

But that stuff seemed stuff we could work through.

Then we hit a deal breaker. 

I'm a mother, with a teen, who does attachment style parenting.

He doesn't have kids and wasn't sure about step-parenting now or in the future. Or having his time, schedule, and resources revolve around a kid.

My kid.

That was something that he had not fully known or realized until we were actually getting closer to moving in together. It seemed o.k. in the abstract but we could never picture all of us under one roof. In fact, we didn't always share weekends, holidays, vacations either. We had different ideas of when or where we'd retire.

He may need to do some more world exploring and I'm ready to sink in and rest, travel emotionally and spiritually but from my present zip code. I'm anchored and not going anywhere for at least a decade if I can help it.  

I'm nesting for midlife and beyond. I want to walk barefoot in my yard and plant flowers. I daydream of tiny houses and writing and the day my daughter has kids of her own (if she chooses that). I picture babysitting them, taking them to the library, ice cream, and the park while she works or works out.

Even in my dreamy future, it's not all about he and I but around family. Even if he was a part of that, it's not a big enough part for him, and he gets to have the part he wants in his own life.

He gets to have the present and future he wants and needs. I want that for him.

I get to have the present and future I want and need. I want that for me.

Unfortunately, that means we're not an us in order to manage both of those things and parenting.

That means we may be better as friends (too early to know if that will be possible).

And it's sad because we were building towards something together.

There's pain and hurt, disappointment, loss, and tears.

But there's been no trauma, drama, betrayal. It's been, all things considered, a pretty typical break-up.

There's been no scathing self-doubt or self-hate. While it's been sad, and there is grief and stuff to sort through and figure out, I've noticed something big.

I'm not in crisis or post-traumatic stress relapse.

I'm going through a break up, which isn't fun, but is in fact, normal, human experience.

The way I'm doing it is a lot like the way most people do it.

Sure, I have to shore up my supports and am sometimes stuck to my couch like pesky dog hair that is hard to lift.

But I am o.k.

I'm mothering, cooking, cleaning and getting to work and occasionally at least working out.

I'm not raging at myself or him, unable to work, shower, or feel pleasure.

This is a wonderful and a totally new development for me when dealing with heartbreak.

And to be honest, for the whole first month, I kept thinking, "Maybe it's a delayed reaction? Maybe it's going to hit soon? Maybe I'm just in shock?"

For survivors with lots of developmental trauma (aka - ACEs), break-ups can be treacherous, and anything that triggers our attachment systems and old wounds - it's extra hard. It can feel dangerous because it reminds us of when we were vulnerable and in danger. 

That's important to realize.

It's the pile-up effect and why and how hardship, after trauma, can do us in. There are lots of reasons for that (see end of this piece) but it doesn't mean we can't and don't grow and change. 

I have something in the present, I didn't have before.

I've noticed is something new and different.

A sense of self.

A sense of worth.

Both remained and didn't get questioned, tossed out or destroyed in a break up.

I don't think, "it's all me, I'm not lovable." I don't think, "No one will ever love me. The best days are behind me."

I know I have myself.

I know I have worth and value and am making conscious choices I even feel good about. I'm in a break-up rather than feeling a break-up is being inflicted or happening to me. 

I don't think, "I'm being persecuted. I'm being punished. I'm so robbed, again, like always." I don't worry that I'm such a burden, need to hide and pretend it's all good and easy and put on a happy face or ignore friends and family. I know my supports are there and will be there even if I've too exhausted to reach out right now.

That's different.

That's huge.

What a bounty to feel and expect to be loved by those I trust and know care about me.

There have even been blessings, like my own step-father sharing how much step-fathering has enriched his life which is something I'd never heard before.

Something he said and I could appreciate because he's been the good step-father who followed the not-so-good one. I've never thanked him. 

That's wow. 

But mostly, the blessing is this.

I still have my life and myself and am happy enough with both of those things.

This would have seemed impossible in my early healing days - out of the question impossible to believe I'd ever feel that way, never mind after a break up.

I feel decent about my mothering, my loved ones, my work, animals, and flowers.

I am happy my daughter and I will be volunteering together at a food and pet supply pantry (I didn't know that many people will go hungry to feed pets, or will surrender animals that can't be fed, and neither is ideal for wellness and health). Anyhow, there are still things to learn and to do, people to connect with, and local support and bounty to be reminded of, in case we ever need help with food or pet supplies.

To be in a break-up, and still have new things to feel, do and look forward to, to have hard days but not to be 24/7 orbiting, is amazing.

It's good to feel "good enough" inside.

It makes me so happy and hopeful that growth is ongoing, continual, and that even me of today has more tools and support and knowledge than the me of ten years ago.

These are the perks of the work.

Too often, we talk of trauma survivors and those with high ACEs as though we are nothing more than failed prevention, the after effects and impact of what went wrong in childhood. We are even, sometimes, help up as examples of the worst-case scenarios, what goes bad after abuse, neglect, etc. Instead of our pain and trauma being prevented, sometimes we are talked about as though our lives and struggles should have been prevented - as though our main contribution is as cautionary tales.

We are more than that.

There are many of us. We grow, learn and change. We are capable, always, of more health, hope, and wellness. We have so much to share and can share, first-person testimony about what helps and does not, what works and could work better.

Because we know.

Because we have sought, fought, worked for our health and wellness.

Hanson's work has helped me and my healing. I found it online after decades of traditional and often "evidence-based" approaches helped me understand why I hurt so much but not how to change. Much of his work is free on SoundCloud, Facebook or via newsletters. That matters because not everyone has insurance or likes or trusts medical professionals or talk therapy. 

His books are less than $20 bucks. A friend and I practiced some of his suggested tools and ways to reframe experiences. Together, we checked in once a week, to make it more real. It was wild to notice the brain's bias towards bad, and how many things we both ignored, in emails, conversations and daily life, how many compliments, good experiences or luck we minimized and didn't savor or appreciate.

We dismissed or argued with good fortune or compliments, rejected offers of help or appreciation, and failed to notice how often and predictably whatever storm, travel, personal issue we worried over actually never happened or materialized.

Neither one of us was aware we had a habit of dwelling on the bad. 

That was a HUGE and important process. We literally took a look at what was sticking to our brains and what we were letting slip away (the yellow stickies above).

And it was actually fun because we were becoming detectives scanning our environments for evidence of all that was good (that did not suck). This is the often missed step required before one can be grateful. 

Many of us have to learn to notice more than threat and danger before we can get all gooey and grateful about the good.

Many of us feel like there's not a lot of good. And to be sure, when in crisis, or threat, sometimes we need all resources to go to getting safe. The tools work best for those of us who may not feel safe even if we are, because we're living in our  bodies which have lots of old experiences of difficulty, danger, and life being dire.

My friend (hey Margaret) and I first started to notice, then acknowledge, record, share, and savor the good stuff. We'd even say it out loud to one another. We also made little stickers of all the negative stuff we were quick to come up with. We were both shocked to find out how much negative there was and how easy it was to access and how hard it was to even remember the good stuff, in the recent past or overall. 

We weren't that good at tracking goodness.

We learned HOW to get better at it by practicing change together. We didn't have to change anything in our lives to get started except what we paid attention to.

Now, I feel like a person who stalks joy, who has trained my radar to notice bounty, plenty, all the good even when things are not perfect, even when I'm alone.

Now, even as I write my losses and pains and frustrations in my journal I also notice who and what I have going for me, and the lessons I'm learning that is helpful for me, for my daughter, and maybe even other survivors.

I found Hanson's work during my divorce, the ending of a 19-year relationship that was actually pretty dramatic, traumatic, and hard for many reasons. Then, I was in crisis, a worried mom, and also revisiting all the unresolved stuff of early trauma, even the stuff I thought I'd had all buttoned up - while parenting and broke.

It was hard times.

Little helped me. Little brought comfort, relief or hope. I was not drawn to Hanson's work early on for fun but turned to him in desperation. It's pretty serious when a creative, agnostic writer turns to science and Eastern-inspired Buddhism-related work. It's not every day this feminist is open to hearing another white guy talking about hope. Sometimes, for me, that gets a hard no NOPE because of what is often ignored or overlooked about the wider world that remains unfair - how and why for many of us it's still, some or all of the time, even when we get to adulthood.

But, Hanson is humble, down-to-earth, accessible and talks to and about survivors of PTSD in a way that is rare. He acknowledged things aren't the same for all, aren't totally fair, and safety, in real time, matters as does trauma in the past.

He won me over. His work got in and under my skin, in my eyes and ears and brain and helped me look differently, hear differently, feel differently, towards my own history, past, patterns, and the way my brain managed my life.

He helped give me pride about my brain's strong need for survival and how remarkable (not pathological) that is.

He helped me understand where and how my anxiety came from and that it wasn't some personality flaw, but a combination of wiring and evolution and personal history. I learned of his work at about the same time I learned about ACEs. I stopped looking at myself as the cause of my problems and started to wonder how to harness my active mind for my own good.

There were things I could do to shift, change and course correct even though I couldn't change the past.

Thank goodness.

Now, I'm pulling out those tips and tricks again to help myself weather a transition.

I'm grateful for Hanson, and others like him, like Belleruth Naparstek, that remain incredibly affordable and accessible. They are smart and could be doing  science and research, speaking only to other academics at colleges and conferences, but they are not. They work to bring ideas that help ordinary people, civilians and soldiers with traumatic stress alike, to the mainstream where most of us live and are.

I'm grateful for hope and help and the changes in me, that has been nurtured and tended to over years, which keep paying off.

It feels miraculous at times. "Is that what normal hardship is like?" I recently asked one of my best friends, "where you feel terrible but still feel loved and o.k.?"

She smiled, and said something like, "Basically, yes."

"It really is easier to live this way," I told her.

It made me feel compassion for the me who had not felt worthy or supported, inside or out in the world for a good chunk of my life.

I feel what one of my favorite writers, another white guy, Raymond Carver, wrote, near the end of his too short (high ACE life), in the poem, Late Fragment.

Heck yes.

To feel worthy of worth.

To feel good enough to let goodness in.

To help our brains get trained to notice, scan, accumulate and be supported by bounty. We can and do and it's beneficial.

I can return to what works, what helps, what strengthens and take in the parts of the neuroplasticity of the brain that speak to me and can be practical. Because, to be clear, sometimes all the talk of the brain seems to forget that people the brains are actually in and that is not fun or useful reading - at least not for me. 

My daughter and I are watching the sunflowers grow. We have a spot, by the brick wall in our driveway where they are planted. We count how many bricks high the sunflowers grew. 

They are growing, brick by brick, day by day, and being fed by the sun. They are 12 bricks high right now. They reach up and out and keep going. We are not missing it, even now. We are noticing. We are waiting. Will they be shorter, taller, bloom earlier or later than the ones we've planted in other years? We don't know yet.

It's the first time we've planted sunflowers in this house. We are tracking the growth, enjoying the process.

I have Hanson to thank for that and my own self as well for being willing to change and try new ways and things. I hope it's a way of being more familiar to my daughter. It is, I think, what survivor and parent advocate Jocelyn Goldblatt means when she talks about "the intergenerational transmission of healing."

I'm all for that.

Here is a summary of the work of Hanson that I've found most helpful. It's described in his own words (and I've paraphrased) as he's interviewed by Victor Furhman "the voice" of Destination Unlimited. He shares a bit about his own childhood and what has launched his own growth and professional work, which is interesting. The Q&A I paraphrased below is the summary of the concepts that have been most helpful to my post-traumatic growth, to restoring my worth after a lot of adversity in childhood. When I'm in grief or pain, I find it easier to listen and hear words than to read a book so I offer a soundbite here. Maybe it will speak to you as well. Link here to the whole interview. Excerpt below.

Q)Why many people so readily extend kindness and compassion to others and yet deny themselves the same?

A)I think it's for multiple reasons.

• Part of it's cultural, in general in terms of Western culture, distinct from more Eastern cultures.
  • ….Western culture tends to goal directed. If we've not attained goals we feel something is wrong with me. I fall short.
• Personal upbringing.
  • Some families are particularly oriented towards criticism, shaming and also perhaps a value on dismissing ones own needs and minimizing them.
  • We tend to do to ourselves, as adults, were designed neurologically and through biological evolution, to do to ourselves what others did to us especially when we were young and vulnerable.
• Negativity bias of the brain. 
  • Negativity bias of the brain. Brain's negative bias, summarized as a brain that is like Velcro for bad experiences and Teflon for good. In other words, experiences, one after the other, where we felt we blew it, fell short, others were critical, others rejected us or left us, (we think) so well obviously something is wrong with me.
  • We tend to accumulate those residues, preferentially, in neural storage, literally hard wired into the body while meanwhile, experiences of worth, accomplishment, deserving good care and attention, of deserving love, of being a decent and good person, those may be occurring but they wash through the brain like water through a siv.They are not that useful in terms of raw survival....

It's really important to know that each person can implement correction.

Hanson's website and Facebook pages have links to free stuff, including free newsletters and podcasts. His tools are about helping people "to grow a sense of worth. to authentically grow a sense of worth and deserving of love," and while his audience is not only trauma survivors, he includes us and directs content directly to us, when he speaks of all people, and that alone is hopeful, helpful, rare, and inclusive. 

Note: This blog post has been cross-posted to Heal Write Now.