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The lasting trauma of rape

" I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 years old (and far away from home) during my freshman year of college. He was a rather popular and extremely successful athlete on my college campus. This event occurred two weeks after I lost my virginity to a different man whom I wholly adored and who quite suddenly left me for an ex-girlfriend. I was quite naive and extraordinarily heartbroken. Without this precipitating circumstance, I would not have been selected, not have been vetted out, by the man who would change the course of my life. I was, and this is hard to admit, selected as a target by someone who felt the need to take from me what I wasn’t willing to give at a moment when he knew I was the most vulnerable...."

"The result was feeling, for years, as though I was precariously balancing a tenuous march along a tightrope between some hazy future and the abyss of obscurity....

"I continuously used to plan my suicide. I know this sounds quite dramatic, and it was not because I was always suicidal. It was because suicide offered me a last respite of control — no matter how bad things got, I always had a way out....

"Because I am marred by ambivalence about the future that I want. I am almost 29 (which I know is “young,” relatively-speaking), but this ambivalence about where I want to go in my personal life with men and romance and children and the stuff that really matters beyond my career baffles me...."

http://www.salon.com/2013/02/18/the_lasting_trauma_of_rape/

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