Understanding who we are and the prospects for our future are two areas I think a lot about. When I was growing up in a traumatizing home, I often spent hours daydreaming about how life was going to be once I left home. I read catalogs about boats and fishing gear, mountain climbing and learning how to fly. I lived in this future where things were going to be so much better. I thought about going to college and eating unlimited amounts of food in a cafeteria. I was always dreaming of a better and more fulfilling life, filled with perfection. Boy was I wrong about so much of it. What I learned is that I (and a huge percentage of everybody else) had what is referred to as "Optimism Bias." We basically have rose-colored glasses filled with hope, says Tali Sharot in her article, "The Optimism Bias".
This TED Talk by Sharot explains this bias. Optimism has benefits, especially for those of us burdened by ACEs. Tali quotes Samuel Johnson who said: “Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Well, I did it three times, and understand what he meant.
Optimism bias can help us survive, but we need to interject some realism into our lives as well. I recall a three-hour presentation I did on management, and one participant coming up to me afterwards, saying: "We are doing just fine and don't need what you were teaching, but that other organization down the road is a mess and could sure use you." It never seems to apply to us, and we say we are all right. But those other folk? Watch out.
The mind is a complex organism, with an unconscious, subconscious and conscious self. Healing from trauma isn't easy when we think about how our brain struggles to stay optimistic. Other brain reactions can be helpful in protecting us, and resistant when it comes to healing. Other theories that helped me understand my brain a bit better include the Dunning-Kruger effect, another cognitive bias that lets those who are relatively unskilled in an area believe that they are better than they really are. And Richard Nelson and Stanley Winter wrote a book, An Evolutionary Theory of Economic Change, for organizations that pointed out the power of routine in our lives. Once learned, a bad routine can be hard to change.
As I pondered the power of our brain at protecting us, I also realized that we can't change our thoughts by having someone tell us to change. We can't just "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps" or "will ourselves to change." We can't just stop smoking or drinking through sheer will power, as much as we want to believe those who told us that they did. Bill Wilson, a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, found that his desire for drinking didn't stop until he met Dr. Abram Hoffer and started taking Vitamin B3 (niacin). Wilson's depression was a profound source of his pain and he found relief in nutrition.
For those readers who have read my post about restoring our health, it includes nutrition (supplementing with Vitamins D3, B3 and Omega 3's at a minimum) and longer term training of the brain through a variety of means that include meditation, mindfulness, Ericksonian hypnosis, emotional freedom technique and EMDR. With our brain's desire for positive interpretations of how we are doing, the first step is to break through its defenses and recognize reality.
Starting this conversation is difficult, and I hope this explanation helps you understand how I think.
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