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When Kids Have to Act Like Parents, It Affects Them for Life [theatlantic.com]

 

Laura Kiesel was only six years old when she became a parent to her infant brother. At home, his crib was placed directly next to her bed, so that when he cried at night, she was the one to pick him up and sing him back to sleep. She says she was also in charge of changing his diapers and making sure he was fed every day. For the majority of her early childhood, she remembers that she tended to his needs while her own mother was in the depths of heroin addiction.

From as early as she can remember, Kiesel says she had to take care of herselfpreparing her own meals, clothing herself, and keeping herself entertained. At school, she remembers becoming a morose and withdrawn child whose hair was often dirty and unkempt.

It was a dark time made even bleaker by her mother’s violent outbursts. “During dope sickness, she would unleash a lot of fury onto me,” said Kiesel, a 38-year-old freelance writer. “I became the buffer or scapegoat of her rage to divert it [from] my younger (much more defenseless) brother.” (Kiesel’s mother is no longer living.)

[For more of this article written by Cindy Lamothe, visit https://www.theatlantic.com/he...3975/?utm_source=twb]

Photo credit:  Daniela Solomon/Getty

 

 

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Jane Stevens posted:

It may also result in those children growing up not having children, and, if they do, not taking on the role because it's overwhelming and triggering.

Yes, it can . I would also throw 1) "parenting the parent", and 2) the child being treated/spoken to as a fellow adult by the parent into this category. Both can result in a sense of responsibility toward the parent by the child that feel overwhelming into adulthood.

 

It may also result in those children growing up not having children, and, if they do, not taking on the role because it's overwhelming and triggering.

I saw this in children we fostered. I think this is very common in neglect cases. The oldest child takes on the role of the parent. We observed many time ,while fostering two children, that even when we explained that her brother was our responsibility there would be a look from her that said "how can this be so. I'm his parent." This wasn't a child being arguementative this was just a fact of her life.

I often found myself wondering, as we look at the cycle of abuse and neglect, if this isn't a strong piece. If children have been taught that the children run the family not the adults then doesn't it stand to reason that as an adult I would expect my children to take on that role. Sort of like now it is my time to play. I had all of this responsibility as a child so now my children can take on that role. 

Just thinking out loud.

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