Excerpts from a post by Lorraine Fuller published on the Attachment Trauma Network (ATN) blog.
You don’t have to be fine
During the hard years, when people would ask me how things were going, I would say “fine.” People in my community may still think things were rosy in our home. Plus I remember reading blogs and books and they all seemed to imply that patience and love and therapy would give that happily-ever-after ending. That it’s easy. The moms all smiled and talked about using a soothing voice. It seemed they never lost their tempers and yelled. Or turned on cartoons for the kids and hid in a closet with cookies to cry. It wasn’t until other adoptive moms started sharing their struggles that I realized it’s ok to share the truth.
That is what I want to share with you. It’s ok to admit that the expectation and the reality are not even in the same ballpark, that it’s ok to not be “fine.” Just don’t do it alone. Join a support group, like the great ones at ATN. Find some moms you click with. Be honest with them. I remember when a woman at church who I barely knew saw through my “fine.” For two hours in a parking lot, she threw me a lifeline. She heard my verbal vomit, understood, and gave me hope. Finding those people won’t change your child, but if my experience is any guide, it might help and change you.
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