A 5000 piece puzzle that was thrown up in the air and scattered amongst the fall leaves. That is how I imagined my life looked liked 6+ years ago. I was struggling with flashbacks, body memories, brain fog, panic attacks, insomnia and dissociation. My trauma history was coming crashing in on me and impacting EVERY area of my life. I no longer could pull myself up, dusting myself off and with head down barreling though life. I had to face my past and put together the pieces of that puzzle one by one.
At this point in my life I had twin 4-year-old boys, was working full-time, working a program of recovery from Alcoholism and doing this as a single mom. There was no room for flashbacks, brain fog or insomnia. Yet the universe had other plans. With the support of a dedicated therapist and a few trustworthy friends I looked at each puzzle piece and decide if it belonged and where. See some pieces I had dragged from my past I no longer needed and once looking at them could decide if it was useful in my life anymore. Sounds so simple when written, but some days I’m still extracting those same pieces and saying “no thank you, at one time you saved my life but now you are making it harder”.
I don’t know if I would’ve fought so hard or even seen the purpose in fighting at all without my children. One of the many residual effects of childhood sexual abuse is poor self worth and I did not feel worthy of the support and diligence that was being given. I spent many a night in an internal battle about just quitting altogether vs continuing the fight so my children would have a Mom that was present for them. The kids always won, the thought of them growing up with a Mom who gave up on herself, consumed with fear and self loathing was unacceptable. This would impact them as much as if they grew up with a Mom who was abusive. That would not happen on my watch.
Today, I cannot say I’m cured but I can say my puzzle has formed a boarder with a picture that has filled in. Most critical to my healing, is understanding the stories of my past and why I react the way I do in most situations. After learning that, I now have tools and skills to help when I face triggers and flashbacks. Continuing to work a program of recovery from Alcoholism, I can see where much of my drinking stemmed from my trauma history. A concept overlooked too often.
Now I am ready to pass on the tools and new skills that have been given so compassionately. I will do this through speaking engagements, workshops for survivors and healthcare providers then through coaching survivors both one on one and in group settings on-line. It will be my honor to walk this journey with other survivors and to educate healthcare providers about trauma informed care. This will complete my puzzle.
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