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Parenting with PACEs. PACEs science & stories. Trauma-informed change.

Let's create a list of resources useful for parenting ourselves and children.

These can be books about child development or self-help books or a work of fiction that had important wisdom.

If there's a title that's helped you or someone you know, love or work with as it relates to parenting, please share.

For me, my absolute favorite is this:

There's Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-HateCheri Huber

This book is not about parenting. It's not about how-to parent I should say but it is a lot about being socialized and parented and how that shapes the ways in which we relate to ourselves.

It's my all-time favorite self-help book, especially when I have anxiety or angst. 

In super simple language it shows how self-hate stems from the way we were parented and the difference between who we are and how we interact with ourselves.

It's easy to read hand-written text which can make it feel like a letter or guidance from a friend rather than an academic read.

There's a concept, I learned in her work, and I"m paraphrasing, but it said something like: 

How you talk to others is about who you are. How you speak to yourself, (self talk, in your head) is about how you were parented. 

If you have a big disconnect between the two, as I often do, looking at early patterning is helpful. For me, shifting the way I talk to myself so it's more similar to how I talk to others was a way of doing really important healing work.

It was like I could see my own self-hate and criticism and judgment as just old messaging I no longer wanted to participate in and perpetuate.

Honestly, until I got this concept, I couldn't absorb or get what all the self-care and self-compassion and being your own best friend crap was about. I don't think it's crap now but I did. I thought it was mushy and New Age and not applicable to me because I thought one actually needs to be tough and hard internally to survive.

Here's an example of the format and content in her book. This is one whole page.

cheri huber

So, it's just so helpful and nurturing and kind and clear. It makes the need for parenting the self well, attending to your own needs and emotions, etc. but not over identifying with them great. For me, it was even more than some of the "inner child" framework though it's pretty similar. It does have a meditation/Buddhist orientation which isn't for everyone but was fine for me.

The author has been through A LOT so she also has the authority of lived experience, which for me, was key. She's been in agony and she's not anymore. She's found ways to sit through strong sensations and emotions without numbing out or turning on herself. This is one of the books I keep by my bed.

The other books which are totally different, practical and helpful are these:

The series of books: Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, by Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D. (and in different years different co-authors) 

This was a guide on kids and what is just age appropriate general kid stuff to expect. It was grounded and affirming and helped me see the child perspective and what's happening, developmentally, at different ages and stages.

It offers quick and easy general information. For example, when my daughter was 12 and stuff might feel big or intense or challenging, it was great to see what is happening for most kids at this age. Of course all kids are different but the general information is helpful.

abc

Plus, the author helps understand life from the perspective of the child and what their goals and needs are at different ages and stages. Plus, it's not about problems, it's about normal development and that's also helpful. It's basic, general, neutral and easy to read.

Some of the text is a bit dated but the general concepts are totally applicable still.

What about you?

Please add a title or two.

We can create a resource for those who can't rely on memory, history, default patterns and who are changing family systems. Any title can be included.

 

 

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Michele Messer posted:

I like Parenting from the Inside Out  by Daniel Siegel and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. m

 Michele:

Thank you so much. I forget that Donna's book has some resources for parents/parenting. That is such an important book!

I did read Parenting from the Inside Out as well. I found it was a little too researchy when I had a toddler. However, I remember one part that was great about how a parent should never create the flight/fight response in the child and if we lose our temper we should restore calm and balance quickly and take responsibility for any mistakes. That was worth the price of the book itself. It was shocking to me at the time that any parenting expert set expectations of parenting and guidelines about what promotes good parenting. Thank you for these titles!!!!

Cissy

 

I think there are a lot of resources that can help parents who are parenting with ACEs.  Two books offering a lot of very practical support are both older classics--

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Faber & Mazlish)

and

Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Thomas Gordon

Both these books contain information and practical examples that can help parents become more resourced for responding constructively in moments or situations that are likely to be challenging.  Having concrete examples for how TO respond when your child speaks in a way that sounds disrespectful or defiant, for example, gives a parent options in triggering situations.  Having options or alternatives to your automatic reactions doesn't mean you will reliably access those options each time, but it means that you are resourced rather than completely at a loss for what TO do or say.  This is very different than simply knowing what NOT to do/say but unclear about what else might be possible when faced with something upsetting or provocative.

These books are about improving communication by understanding it differently and responding differently.  They identify some of the unintended problems with many of our habitual or automatic responses, and give examples to illustrate how many routine responses are unintentionally negating or invalidating.  They also identify how our own discomfort can drive some of our responses (like reasoning/debating, or giving advice) which is something we can shift once we bring that discomfort into awareness.  Then we have the possibility of not trying to talk our child out of his/her unhappiness or frustration, because it no longer feels so much like an intolerable problem we need to fix or solve!

Tom Gordon's book P.E.T. also describes how to think in terms of "who owns the problem" in a given situation, and how to choose a response based on that answer.  This means you will respond differently and initiate discussion differently depending on whether YOU own the problem or your CHILD owns the problem.  Simply being able to recognize that the other person is the one who owns the problem in this discussion can liberate us from inadvertently responding to complaints (etc.) in ways that don't help at all!

Gordon also explains the concepts of "I messages" versus "you messages" and identifies how to speak without blaming, shaming, criticizing or accusing when establishing a boundary, or when you wish to address something with your child.  He also explains how to utilize "active listening" (rather than debate, reasoning, giving advice) when you recognize that your child owns the problem.

I think being resourced for HOW to respond to a child's negativity makes a significant difference in the parent-child relationship and in how things tend to unfold in your interactions.  It goes a long way to helping to avoid the types of automatic responses that reliably and predictably tend to escalate situations and alienate people.  This can make a huge difference in your experience of "parenting."  It makes a big difference in navigating conflict in any relationship, and it makes people's feelings seem more dealable.  Whatever they might be, they increasingly seem like something we can acknowledge & accept, rather than something to resist, avoid or fix.  Because we are better resourced!!

Awareness of this sort also can help inform a parent's awareness of what has happened when things DO escalate or take a destructive/alienating turn, which means that a parent is better able to take clear responsibility and to repair the rupture at those times.  (Rather than feeling bad but not really having an idea of what to do.)

It has been years since I have looked at either book but I think they are solid resources.

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