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Parenting with PACEs. PACEs science & stories. Trauma-informed change.

Cissy White and I were talking about the Parenting with ACEs (this group as well as the process of parenting with ACEs).  We got animated, excited and went on and on and on (as we often do when we get to talking!)  

We decided to write a joint blog post to tell you about our conversation and ask you to weigh in on what you want. Read on our attempt at a combined post:

Gail's voice - I called to ask if Cissy thought there was need for a place on the Parenting with ACEs group site for parents to get resources, tools, materials for parents (non-academic, not too wordy but informative). We were trying to figure out how to get more dialogue going between people and how to share information in a way easy to access. Do people want resources and websites? stories? both?

And I realized well, heck, I am a parent.  We are the we that Jane Stevens referred to in her recent story where she said "Talking about ACEs normalizes the experiences of childhood adversity, brings them to light, and shows time and again how we’re all swimming in the same ACEs ocean, how we’re all breathing the same ACEs air".  I am a professional that works to help others address ACEs but I am also a parent with ACEs.  

Cissy and I talked about ways to keep the group useful to BOTH parents and professionals. Maybe we should have two parts of the site. One for parents and one for professionals.

But one of the things this site is aimed to do is to get us collaborating as parents and professionals.

Plus, lots of us are both.

But even for those of us who are both (and lots of other things as well), we can sometimes feel like we must keep the parent part of us separate from the professional part of us.

But when it comes to ACEs - is that really possible? desirable? useful?

Wondering how others feel about this? How do you come both as a professional and a parent with ACEs?   

Cissy's voice - We were saying how we often show up in one dominant role. And I admit, I feel pretty lucky that as an activist, writer and parent, I can share openly about personal topics, at this age and stage of my life. But that's true only now. It wasn't true and it wouldn't have been true at hardly any other stage of my life.

And, depending on the job I have, it might not feel or it might not be possible to share, as a parent or a person with ACEs.

So, I wonder what others think or feel?

I think there could be benefit from speaking more directly to one another.

I wonder if sometimes the way we speak, in our professional voice vs. our personal or parental voice, isn't part of the problem?

It's rarely the same voice.

The way we speak with peers isn't the same as how we speak at work. That makes sense and might even be smart. Sometimes. But it can also be part of the problem.

It can come across as remote, distant, impersonal. It can reinforce that us/them dynamic.

Is this part of the medicalizing of trauma? It is the medical model? Does it keep us from being more inclusive and effective? Does it reinforce the:

  • us/them
  • doctor/patient
  • therapist/client

Does it remove the we even though we were all children who were parented in ways that impact our health?

How can we talk, as peers, referencing all of our experiences and expertise?

How can we share, heart to heart, without feeling like we're being unprofessional?

Is it possible, wise, desirable or safe?

Are the reasons that it isn't done more still valid in all cases? Maybe. But can it be re-examined, explored and discussed?

I'd love it if there were panels with parents and professionals speaking about a topic, say ACEs or trauma-informed parenting, and sharing experiences and insights and brainstorming together from these perspectives.

Heck, I'd like it if the same group of people, spoke half the time as parents and spoke half the time as professionals and considered both points of view. Together. As a team.

I'm not sure what the solution is and how to keep growing this space. That's going to be figured out by all of us.

I'd like to think we can explore this here. Maybe in chats. Maybe in discussions.

Gail and Cissy want to know:

What do you think?

What do you want?

What are you looking for as a member of Parenting with ACEs?

 




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WOW, talk about a loaded question!! I for one as an early childhood teacher/center director, PBS community outreach teacher, parent and child tend to answer from any or all of these perspectives as the posts opportune. 

I think dividing the group would be a mistake as parents are probably coming to the site seeking professional ideas and answers that may help them in their given situation.  A list of resources may not be as useful to the parents as are links within our professional posts.  And we definitely need to be careful that we are not speaking at the parents but rather conversing with them to offer possible positive suggestions to try, especially those that have worked for us in our specific early childhood settings or offices and at home as parents..

 

Last edited by Jackie Hamilton

From my experience, 'a group format' is more powerful when participants take OFF their 'professional hats,' and begin by identify the 'quadrant' they are in at the moment they are sharing. (Ex: head/intellectual, heart/emotional, hands & feet/action/relational, soul/believing.)  Using this as a starting place allows a leveling playing field of connection, vs divide. Of understanding where one is coming from into the discussion.

For example, after I read the posts above, I found myself in both the 'intellectual and emotional' quadrants. I was curious about the blog and distracted by the weight I have been carrying this week in re to watching how my young adult daughter is navigating her relationship. 

Am in my head because I am still trying to figure THE HOW, in sharing ACE's information with my own family/friends in a consistent and yet dynamic way; and emotionally, I am so hungry for these shared deeper conversations and learnings closer to home, and also feel incredibly frustrated when 'average' parents like me are viewed as a group to build 'engagement' but somehow, still treated as 'separate' and 'to be educated' by 'professional' groups. 

As a parent and a non-professional (i.e. not in the education, medical or therapeutic field), I find often those who do not create space to 'take off' their professional hats, forget they too are parents with Generational ACE's, or know family members with ACE's; and they too experience the exact same issues of which training doesn't exempt them. (This speaks to precisely what Gail was sharing.)

Many 'un-professional' parents are very skilled, intelligent and knowledgable regarding what they are challenged with and seeking resources toward. They are their own experts. When they are 'heard and seen' as peers, rather than as 'separate,' the power of sharing is dynamic and the engagement will happen. Parents will bring this work forward faster than if it is simply left to the professionals in the field's alone. 

I can not tell you how many conferences/lecture series I have gone to where I am one of the 'lone parents' who simply gained access IN because I did not 'assume' I was not as valuable to the information at the conference as the professionals or trainees in accommodating fields, and I sought out and asked permission to attend. Many other parents want to attend, but the 'invitation' is not public or known about. Inclusion is missing.

Parents bring an ability to receive the information with a different set of eyes and ears because they are not 'confined' to academia/or work related constructs.

As a parent, I am showing up precisely because it is 'personal,' and I want to offer change in my own Generational teaching.

When parents are seen as invaluable and integral participants re spreading of ACE's information and knowledge, and utilized as part of the natural-link approach to the movement, the speed of which ACE's expands to be understood, will increase two-fold. I am very convinced of this.   

 

 

Thank you for your comment, Heather. I absolutely agree that we need make sure parents get information about ACEs in ways that are useful for them (us!).  I want to ask you (and the Parenting with ACEs community): what ACEs science-related information would you like to help you in discussions with fellow parents? with your family?  What do folks need to help spread the work about ACEs?

Jackie:
 

Thank you for your thoughts. I agree with you about not dividing the group because so many of us do wear several different hats, and conversing, from all the perspectives, including ones not our own, is what makes this group so potentially powerful. If you have any resources to share, or more thoughts, and feelings or ideas, please keep sharing!
Cissy

www.pbsparents.org has a wealth of child development resources and parenting tips from a wide variety of "experts" regarding "normal" behavior.  The great thing is adults caring for children can go there at any time for free and get ideas about where to head with their problem. 

Another great resource are the Sesame Workshop kits that deal with some very difficult issues, such as emotional well-being, bullying, getting ready for school, cultural diversity, grief, poverty, health, and nutrition.  www.sesameworkshop.org/our initiatives.

 

 

Last edited by Jackie Hamilton

Jackie:

Thanks so much for these resources. If there are any specific ones you especially like, please share them in the Parenting with ACEs group and I'll check them out as well. Thank you!
Cissy

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