Why It's So Hard to Talk About Abusive Mothers [themighty.com]

Laura Pinhey 1/3/216:42 AM

The taboo of speaking out against The Mother is messing us up. The Uncles and Fathers get the worst rap – for good reason, sadly, according to the numbers — but there are Mothers out there doing harm, too. We just don’t allow ourselves to talk about it.

The infallible icon of The Mother is a big one to address much less topple. We are socialized with language surrounding Mother Countries and tell tales of superpowers of the all-seeing maternal eye, one that can see you sneaking into a darkened house after curfew or knowing you’ve grabbed that extra cookie despite being across the house with her back turned. She’s who we’re told to mind, who to intrinsically trust according to science and with whom we’re supposed to have the deepest bond. She’s where we come from. She is home.

Sometimes, though, these expectations — I can’t bring myself to call them values when they’re nothing more than tools of heteropatriarchy oppression — fall flat in the face of who some of our mothers actually are as people.

[To read the rest of this post by Helen Hazelmare, click here.]

[Image: GETTY IMAGE VIA ALEXLINCH]

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Laura PinheyMember

@Diane Petrella posted:
This is a great article. Thank you, Laura.

I completely agree with this. Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with abused children, adult survivors and male and female perpetrators. Some of these children and adults had mothers who did unspeakable things to them.

There is a double standard. From my experience, it seemed easier for authorities to believe children who disclosed abuse by men then to believe children who alleged abuse by women. But I heard the stories.

Contrary to mainstream thinking, not all women have a strong bond with their children. I understand that they, too, experienced ACES and childhood trauma for them to be this way. But that's an explanation, not an excuse for the harm they perpetrated to their kids. Great article. Thanks again.

As a survivor, for most of my life that double standard held me back from acknowledging my mother's role in my traumatization. And, yes, I suspect her behavior was/is a result of being traumatized herself. But denying that she's capable of exactly what she did only delayed my own healing. It was when I was able to finally break through that barrier (and that breaking through is a process that I still struggle with, because pointing the finger at one's mother is TABOO) that I was able to make real progress. I've tried several times to describe this phenomenon in my own blog posts but don't think I"ve succeeded in the way this one does. When I read it, it helped me, and I hope it will help others too.

1/4/213:25 AM

Diane PetrellaMember

This is a great article. Thank you, Laura.

I completely agree with this. Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with abused children, adult survivors and male and female perpetrators. Some of these children and adults had mothers who did unspeakable things to them.

There is a double standard. From my experience, it seemed easier for authorities to believe children who disclosed abuse by men then to believe children who alleged abuse by women. But I heard the stories.

Contrary to mainstream thinking, not all women have a strong bond with their children. I understand that they, too, experienced ACES and childhood trauma for them to be this way. But that's an explanation, not an excuse for the harm they perpetrated to their kids. Great article. Thanks again.

1/3/217:22 AM

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