Hi Brian,
Thanks for bringing up this discussion. I have a different take from most here. When I found out about ACEs I was relieved. I knew my childhood wasn't great but I had no idea the actual impact it could potentially have on me and others like me. When I found out there was a scientific reason why I had such struggles in adulthood, I felt validated.
I have since been a real proponent of public access to education about ACEs. But I see Philippe's point that if people thought they had an ideal early life and that illusion gets burst that can be destabilizing. I have devoured all of Alice Miller's books. She's the one who helped me understand my experiences weren't personal although I was the one who experienced them. And my parents weren't to blame because they raised me in a social and historical context of child rearing philosophy that has persisted for centuries.
A few key things I have learned along the way have been
#1 - Get professional help. I have been very fortunate to have been helped by a safe, compassionate, and informed therapist. There are checklists online for assessing the fit of a therapist for you. I highly recommend using something because we hear far too often that some therapists can cause more damage than help. Remember you are the client, you get to choose who you hire.
#2 - Take responsibility for your own recovery. I have read books, taken courses, intentionally connected with people with like interests (not just mental health but hobbies etc.) to broaden my social connections. I directed my therapy sessions. I didn't wait for my therapist to come up with things to discuss. I went to my sessions prepared and did the work he assigned me afterwards.
#3 - Figure out who you are as an autonomous being. Those of us who have experienced childhood trauma usually have issues with enmeshment - our identity is tied up with our family. We didn't individuate when we developmentally should have because we weren't allowed to. Figure out what kinds of eggs you like (from Runaway Bride), figure out what kind of job you really want, not the kind you were expected to do, etc.
#4 - Learn a healthy perspective of authority. Again, those of us who were abused or neglected in childhood learned skewed perceptions of authority. Learn your own authority by figuring out your competencies and strengths and also gaps of knowledge, because what we don't know is key knowledge as well. Taking back or on your power is so important. No one can make us do what we don't want to do when we understand power dynamics. Of course there's a price for not complying, but we actually have our own authority to make our own decisions about ourselves, and that may be to go along to get along, but it's no longer someone else's power we're succumbing to. We're making the conscious informed choice ourselves when we own our own authority.
I also started my own peer support group since there wasn't one in my community for adults dealing with childhood trauma.
It's hard work to rid our psyches of the lies we learned about ourselves, others and the world during our childhood, but it is worth it. You are worth it. Feel free to connect privately if you like.
In solidarity,
Elizabeth Perry