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I (and others like me, verified in C-PTSD groups) have developed an innate ability to record vivid details in real time as they were happening/occurring as a preemptive trauma response to react and correct/respond to any perceived conflict or situation that might provoke parent into abuse and/or negative scenario. In my mind, I am constantly updating and reevaluating the situational awareness as it related to the environment around my abusive parent and my siblings.  It became a constant subconscious act as situations changed and progressed to provide the least amount of conflict between the abusive parent to keep self and siblings safe from harm. Because it was a daily and dynamic defense, I became so accustomed to doing it, I could not separate it from reality. It became my reality. With other elements of my trauma, I completely lost my sense of self and could be directed to be whomever was controlling the scenario. Gravitating towards narcissistic, abusive, bi-polar, and other controlling personalities, I could easily mirror their personalities and conflicts.  I wasn’t quite myself and I didn’t even know it. Realizing a year ago that I just wanted out, I was ready to give up when I accidentally found myself as this inner child. This little girl who had been abandoned so many years ago. I had let her go.  I had given up. This last year has been my quest to find her and breathe her back to life.

Dr. Bessell Van Der Kolt discusses some of this in his book The Body Keeps the Score but I was wondering if anyone has captured data on this as a prolonged experience for persons with ACEs. I worked with models and simulations for DoD and am very familiar with how they work and as a person who worked for years in Computer Science industry am very curious how my memory of the trauma I experienced was mapped out and stored for all these years. I am also curious to know if anyone else is curious about my curiosity. Thank you and Kindest Regards.

Original Post

Barbara Ann

Your article really caught my interest. I had never considered hyper vigilance as a survival instinct but your article shed light on it for me. And it put a name to something that I have not been able to articulate. 
I entered treatment for CPTSD at the age of 59. EMDR, tapping, and RE-experiencing childhood and adulthood trauma. I used to say I was on high alert 🚨 at all times. This led to long periods of exhaustion, depression and wanting to “ check out.”

I would love to speak with you if you are interested in connecting. I am now 67, launching a new career to guide women , particularly women with addiction, to release this trauma and live fulfilling lives.

i live in Canada 🇨🇦 near Toronto

until then....Katherine Breau




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