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2013 was a very hard year for me.  I lost my father in November and had to revisit my extended family at the time of his impending death, and then his services.  For families who are functional, healthy, and have no childhood traumas or personal violence histories, this must sound strange.  For me, it is only a repeat of the experience I had at my mother's death in 2010. It was all traumatizing.

Every interaction with my family surrounding grief is a breeding ground for dysfunction, new abuse, new estrangement, new pain.  I've never experienced uncomplicated grief and I wonder if I ever will.

I share all of this because, for me, it is the fuel.  These personal ongoing traumas continue to play out in my life and the life of my extended family.  They fuel my passionate belief that if we start pointing out how childhood traumas play out in lives, in families, in our communities, schools, institutions, and yes -- even in funeral homes -- we will learn that we're ignoring our individual vitality, well-being, as well as healthy, happy futures.

The traumas I experienced in childhood live on in adulthood.  They affect me and my extended family, and have impacted my children and all my familial relationships.

Luckily for me, with the help and guidance of an awesome mental health professional, I was able to understand and accept the traumatic consequences of a dysfunctional, abusive family.  And, on the other end of that, I have developed a passion for helping others who need to understand what's going on in their lives and why.  It's become a life-mission. 

I'm going back to school to work towards a Master's degree in mental health service.  I already have a lifetime degree in how it plays out, and how ignoring or denying it can leave an unimaginable toll.  Now it's time to roll up my sleeves and get the credentials I need to make a difference in other's lives.

So thank you, ACE community, for providing a tangible resource to help explain my life, my family experience, and for being a launching pad, pointing a way forward toward a happier, healthier future for my children,  my community, and all of us who care!  My resilience is winning out.

Here's to a 2014 that's safer, saner, for more compassion and understanding of "what happened to me" and others!  I hope we open more minds and gain more advocates than we ever thought possible!

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Brenda, thank you for sharing your story. I'm very interested in what you're doing, in your graduate studies.... and perhaps we can talk more by phone or even in person (I'm in northern Virginia, I see you're in Maryland).  Before I forget, I want to mention this: as I was reading your post I thought about a class I took in Bowen Family Systems theory, at Georgetown University. It helped me think about the power of emotional systems in a family, and how they are passed down through the generations. I was able to take the class through a consortium of universities in the DC area (I was enrolled at George Mason University). I think that a family systems approach helps me understand the impact of ACES and the ongoing ripples through generations.

It's good to hear about how aware you are of your family trauma and the new traumas that continue to occur, and great to hear that you've found effective help. I wish you all the best in 2014 and beyond!

-Catherine

Thank you for being part of this community, Brenda, and for sharing your experiences. It's great to hear that your resilience is winning out. You're obviously working hard to make that happen, which in itself builds more resilience.

Happy 2014!

Cheers, Jane

Catherine,

I'd love to talk about my passions -- right now, I'm trying to figure out which graduate program is best for me, given my two children (ages 12 and 9 1/2), and my own health issues.  I will send you a direct message with my cell number.  Thank you for reaching out Catherine!  It's my pleasure to share my family trauma history -- I think telling that story puts a face and a name on all the concepts and abstract thinking...when it's personal, there's a LOT more healing going on.

Hi Brenda

  I'm in CA, just looked at your personal page to see where you are, found you in MD, we can work around the time zones.

  Then I found this terrifically moving post you wrote above, so I wanted you to know that I had the identical experiences: "complex grief" is what my book "Don't Try this at Home" is all about.

   Please take a look at my opening chapters when time permits at www.AttachmentDisorderHealing.com/book

   So you know: you are NOT alone!  Together we can heal these things!

   Warmest wishes,

   Kathy

  

Kathy,

That's very kind of you to share!  I know I'm not alone.  I have found so many others living the same kind of dysfunctional traumatic family life as I have...

It's in the talking about it, in the honesty and the courage to share about it that others realize THEY are not alone!  Connecting with others who live that same story is filled with relief, and eliminates the isolation others experience when they believe it's only happening to them! Thanks so much for reading my post & sharing your story.

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